If you’ve seen What The Bleep Do We Know? you may remember the part about synapses: we create neuropathways in our brain with our thoughts. Our thoughts are like cars that ride down highways in the brain, which then get parked into our cells. Whichever highways we drive down the most become the strongest. When we become emotionally attached to the thought or belief, it gets reinforced and that synapse becomes stronger. All the information that is created in our mind – all the joys and sorrows – can be felt by the physical body as well as the spirit.

Your Brain Has An Information Highway System

Imagine there are highways in your brain that can take you down different emotional paths: trauma, pain, love, happiness, peace, fear, anxiety, harmony, contentment. Every time you reinforce the stressful feelings, it’s like applying more pavement on that highway. The more you reinforce the feel good emotions, the stronger that connection becomes in your brain, and in your body and spirit.

Your spirit was born to feel joy. It wants to feel in it’s natural state. But of course being on this plane in the universe, otherwise known as the school of hard knocks, we’re bound to get in the Pain Lane and barrel down Heartbreak Avenue at some point. The idea isn’t to avoid stress and pain but to re-connect it to something positive and reinforce that source of strength within until the synapse of stress and pain becomes weak and stops plugging in altogether. I’m not claiming this is an easy process, but it’s an empowering one.

How Triggers Are Made

Take my story, for example. I said to God before I got here, give me a father who will challenge me and who I can help in some way. I’m going down there to work as a healer, minds well get me to work out of the womb. I’ll have plenty of experience by the time I’m asked to serve the greater community.

Lo and behold, I was born to a father who had some problems. They may have started before the war, coming from a strict family who he aimed to impress. But the severe damage was done during the Vietnam War, when his sensitive mind was exposed to major trauma. He came home alive, and a war hero, and was spit on by anti-war protesters. He tried to block it all out, and continued this process of tuning out and into his own world.

He never received any kind of healing for childhood and war wounds, and went about his business as if it were no big deal. Of course, as his kid I knew better. He often shared horrific war stories with me, and as a child I would listen, without judgment. Later on, I provided him Reiki therapy which he loved. Living with a war veteran gave me the inspiration to develop a therapeutic yoga program for wounded soldiers, which I teach right now.

Trauma Healing 101

The little, and big traumas in life create sore spots or bruises on the psyche. If they’re not healed, they become relived by future events that trigger the past. When a trigger is charged, the brain can become confused between the present and past. Suddenly, the current boyfriend is your cheating ex or a sudden stop of the car instigates a physical reflex from memory of a past car accident. Just seeing someone or something may place you back in a painful time, losing sense of the present reality.

Recognizing You Broke The Spell of the Past

I recently visited my father after not seeing him for a few years. We’ve lived on opposite coasts for a long time now. No matter how hard I tried in the past, I would always get triggered somehow. Either he would say something that reminded me of the neglect and abandonment I had lived with as a kid. Or he would digress to painful experiences in the past like my parents divorce without sensitivity to how uncomfortable it made me feel to rehash things that I had worked hard to recover from. His drinking used to always make me cringe inside and gave me an urge to try to stop him from pouring the glass.

But this time, for the first time ever, I didn’t feel any triggers. Triggers are those little jabs in your mind, body and spirit, the sensation of the car driving down that Pain Lane. It’s similar to an acupressure point that’s sore when you have toxins blocking an energy pathway. This time, I had no toxins left connected to my Dad. There was no more pain to plug into. I had practiced forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude for so many years, that finally those old neuropathways broke and the new ones held strong in love and forgiveness. I finally was able to see him, just as he was, a man doing the best he could. Looking back, he had given me so much. He had given me more spiritually than he would ever realize.

I also finally really, truly felt a healthy non-attachment. Dad was Dad, and he chose the life he’s living, which isn’t an easy one. I was free to choose my own life. He gave me that gift. He was the human delivery system from Heaven to bring me into this world so I could serve my purpose, which included learning from, and being inspired by him. I left his house feeling deep levels of acceptance, love and compassion. I knew he loved me, as best he knew how. I also felt a deeper love and compassion for myself, recognizing the strength I needed to live through it, and to get to this beautiful side of the rainbow.

Healing Exercise To Disconnect Triggers

You can practice discovering your triggers and re-programming your brain so you no longer have to experience those mental and physical jabs of stress that come with carrying around old emotional baggage with you.

First, pay attention to your body.

Your body is a great source of information when it comes to triggers. Notice if you feel any uncomfortable sensations in your body that are connected to a memory or person.  You may feel heaviness in your chest, digestive distress, tight muscles, tight jaw, your heart may start racing, you may feel queasy or jittery. Notice what your body is telling you. Recognizing where you feel the discomfort physically can also be an indicator of where you’re storing that stressful emotion attached to the trigger.

Second, try to extract any good that came from the experience.

You may have to dig down layers to find the gem of wisdom, especially if the ego is tied up in blame, anger, resentment, etc. Throw out all the inner rantings in your mind and get to the core: what did this experience give you that you didn’t have before? How has it inspired you in your life? What has it led you to that you otherwise may not have found before?

Third, begin to detach from the pain.

The best way to do this is to re-direct the mind to what you feel grateful for, to what your strength is. Every time you find your mind wanting to walk down the dark corridors of the past, re-direct it to the present where you have the power to choose what to focus on. You have the power to choose where to direct your mind. If you find your mind stubbornly going back, it may be trying to resolve something, so get out a journal, read a self-help book, contact a healer or therapist and talk it out. Sometimes painful memories have starting points that lead us down a trail. That trail may have markers, keep following them, picking up wisdom along the way. By the time you know it, you’ve made it to the end of the trail with a pile of wisdom, feeling rejuvenated and content, recognizing how far you’ve come.

You can’t move forward and disconnect triggers if you’re denying pain or giving it all your power. Your existence was not created from pain, it was created from a miracle. Sometimes you have to wade through the pain and feel it for it to process. Eventually you’ll find yourself become the observer of the pain, not the participant. From there, you may discover a new self within, your present self, that no longer has a need to live in the past. Those new neuropathways will keep connecting to positive thoughts, to powerful experiences, and your entire body will feel it. Each cell in your being will vibrate to gratitude, love and peace.

Like every healing exercise, this is a practice. It’s a piece of your puzzle to work on regularly until it fits and you can step back and see the progress made. In the meantime, have patience with yourself and the process. Change doesn’t always happen overnight, but when it does happen, you’re set free. Your spirit gets some of that divine joy back, and you once again remember where you really came from.

I promise you, it’s not in those dark places. Though it’s through those soul flexing places that you find the strength to be here and gain the compassion to help others.

Lauralyn is a Healing Yoga Therapist, Intuitive Medium, Angel Therapist® and Reiki Master. She is currently providing yoga therapy to wounded warriors at Fort Bragg.

©2011 Heaven Healing Arts

To learn more or to schedule a private session, please visit www.heavenhealingarts.com

Rena Reese
http://mysoulsalon.com/

The glaciers of Washington. I recently took this shot on a hike.

It’s Mother’s Day. And there are a few things on my mind. First, is how I’d like to spend future mother’s days: not living out of a suitcase unable to make it a special day for my mother as it is this year. Second, how though I understand why the military security has gone up here, it would be nice to not have it take forever to get on and off post. Third, I contemplate what mothering really means.

Mother Earth. Why do we call our planet a mother? Because she gives us what we need to survive. For some kids, the only thing their mother will ever give them is life. For others, they will learn that though moms aren’t perfect because they are only human, at the heart of most moms they want their kids to be healthy, happy and safe. A mom’s job is to provide a child with what they need to survive here. Every mom is going to give their kid something different, depending on what their strength is. One mom can give lots of love, but may not have a ton of life experience to assist their kids with challenges that are foreign to them. Another mom can teach their kid to be real street smart and hard working but may not have the capacity to show tons of emotion and affection. So each kid will enter life with a stronger set of life skills based on what their mom’s have taught them early on. From there, the real motivated will learn even more. Some will break their mother’s unhealthy patterns. Others will repeat them.

One thing I know for sure is that every kid wants their mother’s love. It’s a natural instinct to want to feel protected, defended and nurtured by the only human being who had the power to physically push you out into the world.

A mother’s job is thankless. Even when kids are grown, it’s hard for them to understand just how much their mother actually did for them because we have no memory of those early years which are some of the hardest for moms. The years we could not communicate our needs. When mothers want to do everything right then feel guilty that they didn’t do everything perfectly. They certainly did the best they could.

I have friends who are able to stay at home with their kids, which is not an easy job. Moms who are able to quit their job to stay home with their kids, they don’t receive pay for it. They aren’t recognized by their peers or clients or customers as having done a good job at the end of the day, week or year. There isn’t an “end” to the day where a deadline is met or a boss is satisfied. Every day is the same job. The only compensation is peace of mind – peace of mind that you are providing your child with the love, attention, nutrition and security that they need in those early critical years. Even then, can you guarantee that your child will grow up to be a confident, self-loving adult? No, because every soul comes to life with it’s challenge to overcome. All mothers can do is offer love, support and guidance. Aside from that, their kids must learn their own lessons in the world.

But Mother Earth, though temperamental, doesn’t give up on us. Mother Earth doesn’t say, you’ve polluted me, taken me for granted, used me, etc. so now I will punish you. Mother Earth loves us unconditionally. We take from her and she produces more. But she also teaches us responsibility. She teaches us that though she can clean up some of our messes, and forgive some of our ignorant actions, some things we will have to just learn for ourselves. There will be consequences to some of our behavior, there is a ripple effect to our decision making, and so I see Mother Earth as the greater mother in our world who teaches us the first thing about life: it is a responsibility. Throughout our lives, we will be responsible for our thoughts and actions and the effect we have on the people and things around us.

Spending some beautiful time in the serene nature here in Washington, I’m reminded that as a child of God living on earth, to maintain a natural balance we must shift between being peaceful and aware. I felt so at peace sitting on the rocks, touching the crisp, clean glacier water with my fingertips. I felt I could have napped to the lull of the stream and bird chirps. But then I ventured off by myself down a path and was met with the enormity of nature, and I felt very small and extra alert. If I didn’t pay attention to where my feet were, I could have easily slipped and hurt my ankle on the big river rocks. If I didn’t pay attention to my balance, I could have fallen into the water when crossing it. If I didn’t give a panoramic view of my surrounding, I wouldn’t know if there was an animal lurking in the woods who I may want to avoid being alone with.

Why does Mother Earth ask us to be aware? So we don’t fall asleep, fall prey to ignorance and selfishness. There are times in life when we need to rest. And times in life when we must be really alert. If we are in one state for too long, we will go out of balance – become too complacent or become so on high alert that everything becomes a threat. One thing I know for sure by the sheer beauty of nature is that Mother Earth wants us to feel awe and wonder in this world. No matter how scared or alone we may feel at times, Mother Earth wants us to remember what is possible. With God, all things are possible. And since God created us, Mother Earth and our human mothers, He is also a part of us as much as our cells and bones. He is infused in our very being. He is in our spirit, which never decomposes or deteriorates. God will show us the way, and like our mothers, He will step back and let us learn what we need to when we need to. He will show us, in His example, what we’re capable of when we use our hearts, minds and awareness to create something wondrous and beautiful in our own little microcosm worlds.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

This past week, my wife went to Ireland, and it was just my daughter and I with our two dogs. Now this is not the first time I have had time with my daughter with my wife traveling, but this particular week took the cake. It was a very busy work week for me, and my daughter does get stressed when either of us leave town, so her behavior can be an issue. Well after a nice weekend together with her, while trying to work in yard work, we started the work week without incident. It was time to go to bed on Monday night, and my 15 year-old dog decided to make a mess on the floor of her bedroom, not just any mess, but it came complete with one nasty smell.  This began what felt like the never-ending nightmare. For some reason, her intestines decided to malfunction to a degree never experienced. So after cleaning two messes up that night, and doing the work I needed to do, I was then awakened at 3am to clean up more. So after what amounted to 3.5 hours of sleep, I was up and running again, getting my daughter up and ready for school and getting on with my day.

When I got home that evening, I had a sitter with her, and when she left, I discovered our dog had graced our Asian rugs with her signature. So instead of spending time with my daughter that I had hoped for, I had to clean up the messes. I then put her to bed, and then had to get back to my work, a two hour conference call, then a little work, then sleep. Then I was back to it the next day. I took my sick dog to the vet and my other dog seemed to get a passive aggressive streak on and decided to grace another one of our Asian rugs while we were out.  Well, my sick dog had done the same earlier, but in the process of being in a rush to clean what I could, I stepped in my other dog’s mess and tracked it through the house. At this point, I want to do things to my dog that I don’t want to admit. I had to get to work, clean up what I could and left, letting my daughter’s sitter know not to go into the family room.

Now that night I had a work function. I did not get home until 11:30, and was too exhausted to clean it up, but still had some work to do.

This week I averaged about 5 hours of sleep per night, and I had to keep going. I also did what I could to spend time with my daughter and missed her very much. I had to consider both the long and short-term when setting my priorities, and even when I had my work function, I felt guilty about going, but knew that the potential for my career was great, which may help me to increase my income and offer us a better life. What I did do was talk to my daughter about what I was doing and why, and I let her know how I felt about her. I also apologized for the situation, and she was coloring during one of our talks. She stopped, looked up at me, smiled and said,
“Daddy, I love you.” That made it all worth it.

So this was a snap shot of my week. Now, this week was the perfect storm, but what it gave me the awareness of was that this was just one week. My wife came back from Ireland tonight. My experience got me thinking of what if I was a single parent all of the time, and with Mothers’ Day here, gave me a new appreciation for single moms and what is involved in parenting children, working, and/or going to school, paying the bills, shopping, taking care of sick or special needs kids… and the list goes on.

Moms take some time to recognize what you do and honor yourself, and if you know a single mom, let her know you appreciate her efforts. Know that your kids likely will not understand your efforts for some time. Be careful not to play the martyr. This sends a message of conditional love. Just take the time to love yourself a little more and know that you are doing the best for your kids that you know how. And know that there are others out there who know what you do, and how difficult it is to find the perfect balance.

Happy Mothers’Day.

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Rena Reese
http://mysoulsalon.com/

There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

Rena Reese
http://mysoulsalon.com/

We each will experience our grieving process, as adults, but what about our kids? While there are certain expected phases to the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, not everyone will go through this process the same way, and the duration of this process will vary. Kids also experience grief, however, the way they experience emotions will likely not be the same way you do.

Acknowledging the Truth

My daughter is a precocious five year-old in some ways and in other ways all of five years old. When I knew I had to leave to try to see my Dad before he “graduated from life” I told my daughter, with tears in my eyes, that Bid Daddy was sick and may not live through this, knowing that she would not fully understand. When I was trying to tell her about “Big Daddy”, she understood that something not good was going on, and she was trying to change the subject, kept turning away, and then grabbed my face to try to make me laugh. It was clear that she was feeling upset, and my daughter does not like to cry. Instead, she will do things to distract, be funny, change the subject… It is very important to know how your child responds to emotions and to not expect them to behave like you do.

After my Dad’s death, I had hoped to be able to come home from Tucson and talk with her together with my wife about what happened, but because of some family events that occurred my wife had to tell her. That was okay with me, as life often happens when you are making plans, and my wife did a masterful job with this discussion. Sometimes in life, things don’t happen as we want them to and you may have to make do with what you have. Don’t expect to be able to control what happens or to control how your child behaves, especially when it comes to the death of loved one.

When I came back home, we talked. I asked her how she was feeling and she said she felt sad, she then asked, “What happened?” I told her that Big Daddy had been sick for a while, and his body was tired and it wore out. He lived a long life and we would always have our memories. I said that Mommy and I were not sick and expected to be here for her through the years, but I stopped short of making promises I know I couldn’t keep. Over the past few weeks, we continue to ask how she is feeling about Big Daddy about every third day, and she often says she feels sad, and I let her know that whatever she is feeling is okay. I want her to know it is okay to talk about the situation and her emotions.

Celebrating A Life

A few days after my Dad died, we, as a family, got together on Skype (for those who could not be there), ate pizza together and told funny and heart-warming stories about my Dad. My daughter was part of that. I wanted her to tell stories about the things that they did and see that when someone moves on in life, we can celebrate their life and each determine how they are remembered. We all laughed together and celebrated his life and our lives with him, instead of his death. One can argue that this was easy for us, because my Dad lived a long full life, but I can also say that when I was eight and my brother died, we all did the same thing with his friends, which made some very difficult days easier to handle. For me, no matter how long or short a life is, I feel blessed to have been graced with that person’s presence. I want my daughter to also be exposed to that view, as well as honoring the views of others.

What I also told her is that Big Daddy will always be around us and in our hearts and memories. We won’t have to use the phone to talk to him either. We may not be able to hear his answers, but know that he is listening to us. My daughter also never ceases to amaze me. The other day we were talking to my Mom on the phone, and Grace was there and says to my Mom, “Mumsy I’m sorry that Big Daddy died. We miss him a lot. He was a very very special special man to your son.” My wife and I looked at each other and picked each other’s jaws off the floor and saw even deeper into her brilliant little soul. And last night at dinner she commented in her dinner prayer about Big Daddy. Sometimes your kids will have some of the most profound words of wisdom. Listen and acknowledge them. Don’t dismiss these moments.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

In the last week, many of those who care for our daughter have noticed her behavior being more distracted and escalating lately. Kids (and adults) often regress emotionally and behaviorally when under stress. This type of behavior is not uncommon, but often when parents are in the middle of their own grief, they miss their child’s behaviors as a symptom of grief as to why their child is misbehaving and punish them, sometimes further squashing their child’s processing of grief.

When we realized this behavioral trend in the last few days, I took another opportunity to ask her how she felt about Big Daddy and if she knew why she was making the choices she was making. She said, once again that she felt sad that Big Daddy died and that was why she was behaving like she was. Almost just as quickly, she changed the subject and wanted to talk about something else. But even then a few minutes later, she wanted my wife to get her dressed for school, seeming to push me away. I still got her dressed, because it was my day to do that, and just as quickly, she moved through that and was off and running. If your kids need to tell you a thousand times that they feel sad, let that be okay. However, if it their behavior continues to get more disruptive and complicated, ask for help from a professional.

The Tip Sheet

• It is important after a death to re-establish structure and stability. Kids respond much better to this. If everyone’s world falls apart and there is no structure, this can feel scary to kids and they may act up even more.
• Know that your children’s reactions are often not because of you. You are still responsible for your actions. Don’t blame your and their actions on others, but help them understand that grief may be a reason for their behaviors.
• If you do “lose your cool” with your kids regardless of their behavior, take responsibility for it and make efforts to change it.
• When you talk to your kids about their emotions, especially around death, don’t expect them to answer you when you want or how you want.
• Know that your kids are having a hard time understanding their emotions and what death means to them and others.
• Know that your grief is not their grief.
• I feel glad that my daughter saw my tears and knew that I felt sad and felt loss. This is part of being human, but don’t lean on them for emotional support. While it is important that they know how you are feeling, they shouldn’t be expected to take care of you.
• While it is important to keep the memories of that person alive, don’t use that person who has passed as someone who is going to know everything they do and think poorly of them if they misbehave.
• Most importantly, be aware to give your kids and yourself time to process their grief, their way and you your way.

There is an unspoken wisdom to grief. It is a process that allows us to work through transitions in life, and the emotions that we experience are necessary and vital to this process, however we may experience them. My daughter will continue to work through this change in her relationship with her Big Daddy, and I look forward to being there to help her with it. She has already been a great help to me.

Through the grieving process, keep in mind that your child’s soul may be much older and wiser than you think… Listen carefully. I love you Grace. You inspire me.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…, aka Daddy

Rena Reese
http://mysoulsalon.com/

Taking care of a baby is no joke

You may be wondering where I’ve been. It’s felt as if I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. My world has spun off it’s axis in the past two weeks due to an unexpected change in plans that left me with a baby.

A baby.

I haven’t babysat a baby since I was 12 years old, and even then diapers scared me. I’m a little rusty in the baby department, and have absolutely no experience with germy, snotty, coughy babies who can’t tell you what hurts. But I can say I’ve got some of that now.

My friend, who prompted my move here to Fayetteville from Santa Monica, was set to be deployed. We were planning for her trip, and preparing her for the experience. Her baby was set to go to New York to stay with her family for the six months she would be away. I would stay here at her condo, taking care of things on the home front. Everything was in order.

I was trying to make a plastic toy seem interesting to her baby when my cell rang. It was my friend. Her voice was thick with relief and excitement.

“I’m not getting deployed,” she said as calmly as possible since she was at work, which is on a busy floor in an Army hospital. “Your prediction was right. My name was put on the list by mistake, they apologized, I’m not going!”

“Yes!” I cheered. “That is amazing!”

The sudden change of plans was something to celebrate. My best friend would surely be out of harm’s way, and best of all, not separated from her baby. She already had to deal with having her cell glued to her hip for the rare moments when her husband got to call her from Afghanistan. At least now, even though her schedule was insanely busy, she could restore some stability. Although the Army did say her name was first on the list to be deployed to the Middle East six months from now, we would cross that bridge when we came to it. I still don’t feel she will be deployed then, either, but time will prove this current gut feeling. For now, we’re basking in gratitude that she’s staying put here in this small, no frills military town.

The only problem was the baby. Not that the baby is a problem, she is a wonderful little human being. But let’s face it: the girl poops her pants and can’t feed herself. She needs constant entertainment and looking after because God forbid her little uncoordinated hands hit something or her wobbly head bangs into something.

Being run down from the recent stress of losing my home to the fire, I ended up picking up the baby’s cold. It was a bad one. I felt it in my chest, ears and throat. I tried to give her Reiki, which she accepted for a few minutes and calmed down, but then went right back to high pitched wails. My friend took her to the doctor and she came home with a diagnosis of a double ear infection and bronchitis. And a bag full of medications.

Taking care of a baby is a full-time job. I have so much respect for the women who do this, and who do it well. My friend works full-time as a nurse, has military obligations as a Captain in the Army, and still manages to change diapers, do never-ending laundry, home cook meals from scratch and comfort her baby when she cries in the middle of the night. I don’t know how she does it all. I am not a great multi-tasker. The first day I tried to comfort the crying baby and make a phone call, she slapped the cell and dropped the call. When I saw a mushy poopy diaper and learned that you have to “dig deep in the folds of the vagina” where poop gets stuck, I felt my stomach lurch. When I have a baby, I can’t imagine working more than part-time if at all during these early years. Undivided attention is an understatement when it comes to babies. Especially if you want to pay close attention to making the best out of these early developmental years, including holistic organic nutrition and mental and physical strengthening exercises, as my friend is doing. I love seeing how my friend is so enthralled by her baby’s babbles and cries and the new motor skills she’s learning each day. Motherhood is absolutely exhausting, but I can see how it’s also incredibly rewarding. It is no doubt the most selfless job on the planet.

It’s a job, however, that I’m personally not ready to have yet. Not at this time when I feel run down and need time to rest for a bit. Then I will do a sun salute jump into work here, teaching yoga and providing spiritual support to the military folks in this depressing town that is a pit stop in most people’s lives. At this time, I am desperate for peace and quiet, for reflective time, for sleeping late, and none of these things can be done when you have a baby. The Army gave my friend the week off to find daycare, so soon the beautiful little baby girl will be in good hands during the day while her mother and I help people heal here. I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have a baby right now, because without a healthy, happy marriage, I couldn’t imagine taking on this responsibility. I predict for myself that I will be preggers about two years from now, and that the next few years will be filled with unexpected surprises – just not of the babbling kind.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

www.heavenhealingarts.com

Is a baby on the way?

Wow. Just got a text from my bestie that she thinks she may be pregnant. She asked me to use my intuition to validate it. I feel there’s a strong chance she may be, and advised her to take the test as soon as possible. She remembered that I had a feeling she wouldn’t get deployed because of a medical condition but we couldn’t figure out at the time what that would be. Is it possible this is it? While most of the predictions I’ve felt have come true, there is no way I could guarantee 100% accuracy in my gut feelings. But if she is pregnant with the baby boy that I’ve seen in her future, then it would make sense why I never felt she would be deployed, and why something felt so wrong about her going.

The lesson here is to adapt to whatever life throws you, and find a way to make it work. If she doesn’t end up deployed, which is a blessing and miracle, it was a good test of our mental and emotional flexibility that we were able to prepare ourselves for the worst and how to get through it as best as possible. What better way to approach life than to create a comfort zone even when things feel scary and uncertain? We can make some things certain, like we will do whatever is in our control to make life as good as it can be in the moment. If we focus on what’s out of our control, we will always feel anxious and miserable. But even the small things like knowing you have the comfort of friends, or a routine that relaxes you, can bring great ease during times that feel extra stressful.

I do believe that what seems out of our control isn’t random. I believe it’s those times when God tests us the most, when we are sent “on assignment” to test our spiritual capability and agility even more. I remember feeling so nervous before the college entry exams in high school, so much so that I felt like my mind was going blank. But once I relaxed and thought, I can do this, then it started to flow. I released pressure and told myself to just do the best I can. That’s all we can do in any given moment.

Well, I thought there was a lot of suspense already in this move, not knowing what to expect or how I will adapt moving from L.A. to North Carolina. Now we’ve just thrown a possible pregnancy in the mix, which would make it a total of two babies I’ll be rooming with! Is it possible that God is sending me to Mommy boot camp to help prepare me for my own future?

Hmmm. We’ll soon see. I’ll let you know as soon as I do (as soon as she does).

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

www.heavenhealingarts.com

The television show, Skins, debuted on Viacom’s MTV on Monday with a viewership of 3.3 million viewers, its highest ratings in the 12-34 y.o. range. Viacom, by the way, is the same company that brings you Dora the Explorer on Nickelodeon. You don’t have to look too far to see the concerns with the show Skins, just watch the trailer; however, I don’t want the focus of this to be the show itself, which is concerning enough; the focus should be on our culture, itself, after all, we may not have lit the fuse, but we allowed it to burn all the way to the bomb itself.

Skins Didn’t Start The Fire

Back in the 80’s, the heavy metal bands Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne were implicated in the suicide of teenagers for the lyrics in their music and this was taken to court. What I believed then and believe now is that while these teens and young adults listen to the genre of music, their musical interests were only an indicator of their beliefs, emotions and attitudes. As it pertains to Skins, this show is no more responsible for the sexual attitudes of our kids than heavy metal is for suicide. However, these are further influences that impact our culture and our kids.

Kids from infancy on are exposed to sexual content, whether we realize or not, and as I have discussed before in previous blogs (Elmo Says, Gleeful Discretion, and Your Body Is Not A Disneyland) this exposure contributes to the vernacular of their unspoken language and ours. We all have to see that we have become numb to many of the influences in our culture that became the fuse that led to this bomb. Skin is everywhere and what they have seen on TV and in the media is that sex is power and drugs are an escape. These are very powerful messages indeed, and aren’t we all seeking power in some form?

Money, It’s A Hit

The almighty dollar is also a huge source of power. How much money do we spend on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. The bottom line is people pay for these and watch the shows and the advertising dollars will follow. I have a few questions for Taco Bell, who recently announced that they were pulling out of their sponsorship, “When did they decide to pull their sponsorship of the show, and if they saw the trailers for the show why did they think it was okay to sponsor this show in the first place?

Money makes our media world go around, and with the ferocity of the competition and limited ad dollars being spread around to that many more outlets, realize that you, as a consumer and viewer, have more power than you think. When the money hungry monster isn’t fed, he dies faster and faster these days. If you don’t watch the show, it will not survive. When we allow shows that endorse unhealthy and reckless lifestyles to remain in our media-driven culture, we make it okay and send a message that this behavior is okay to our kids and others.

Freedom, I Won’t Let You Down

Over the past decade, the internet has become more and more of a vehicle for our belief systems and information is shared at an eye-popping speed, and many of our kids have had unprecedented and unsupervised access to it. In addition, cell phones have contributed to another avenue of exposure to life that is also often unsupervised. Like kids in a candy store without supervision, and even sometimes with supervision, many of them ate too much candy that made them sick, and they still have not learned to eat healthy.

We live in a country that values freedom, and some powers of the internet and media work to protect these freedoms that sometimes protect their interests more than ours. As a parent, it is your job to monitor and manage your child’s freedom. I would prefer it not be control. Freedom comes with a price and a responsibility. Use it wisely, and teach your kids to do the same. At this time, we have a lot of work to do.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? It’s NOT A Second-Hand Emotion

Many of the issues our kids are having with sex, drugs and their sexual attitudes are influenced by their concept of love and their attachments and relationships to parents and others. We have serious problems with the strength of our attachments with our kids and sex and drugs often becomes a way that they are reaching out for comfort and escape from pain. Just because we give them everything they want, doesn’t mean they have everything they need. Acting out behaviors, be it sex and/or drug-related are often a sign of deeper issues that go back to love and security. Step back and see what you can do to repair, heal and strengthen the gap between you and your kids.

So what should you, as a parent do about Skins and other more serious bombs that could still explode in our culture?

• Don’t make a big deal about this show and others like it and forbid them to watch it. That may make it more attractive to them. Talk about the concerns and ask them what interests them about it?
• Give your kids more hugs and love. We all need them.
• Sit down with your kids and talk with them about their life, beliefs, and attitudes.
• Don’t lecture, listen.
• Turn off the TV and do more together as a family
• Eat dinner together as a family
• Meet your kids’ friends, boy/girlfriends and their parents
• Watch what your kids are watching with them sometimes and talk about it.
• If your kids are having difficulties that you realize you can’t handle, get help.
• Don’t just complain about what should change in our culture, do something about it.

This isn’t just a game people play. These attitudes and beliefs are a way of life for an emerging generation. There are many more losers than winners, and the results can be tragic. Just like many hair and clothing styles in the past, I hope we wake up one day, look back and say, “What were we thinking???”

Respectfully yours,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Rena Reese
http://mysoulsalon.com/

You may be saying, “Opportunity? What the heck is he talking about? I was stuck at home, couldn’t get to work, lost income, got behind on my work, and my kids drove me crazy?” How many times in your life do you have an opportunity to create positive memories with your family that aren’t canned in the wrapping of a holiday or the mouse ears of the amusement park? This week may have had some secondary expenses, but the dividends of the experience and fun that could have come from it may last for years to come.

For me, if I am not seeing clients, I am not getting paid. I don’t get paid time off, and when the snow came, I woke up Monday morning under 5 inches of snow in a county outside Atlanta that owns 9 snow plows. I could have looked at it through the eyes of lost income, or I could have looked at it like a field of untouched, fresh-fallen snow, full of opportunities. I chose the latter. In life, I have had to learn to surrender the idea of control and have learned to accept what comes my way. This seems to be what the “hammer of life” has taught me. Getting caught in worry, stress, and grouchiness of what I want to happen does not create positive memorable experiences.

I allowed the kid inside of me to come out and play with my daughter, and my wife joined us too. On day one, we built the snow castle, complete with a 7 foot high Rapunzel’s tower. During this process, some of the neighbor kids came by to help, and my daughter made new friends. I am just not sure who had more fun? On day two and three, we spent time at neighbors’ house sledding on the run that involved taking part of a fence out between the two yards [What would Robert Frost have to say about this (no pun intended)?] so they could double the length of the sled run, and on day three when the snow turned to ice, it took the cooperation of many to assure the safety of the few luging down the hill.

Perhaps the highlight of this experience was that it brought neighbors together to share in the joy of their kids and themselves, and after the evenings of sledding, we all shared in potluck dinners and caught up as friends. Will life return to normal? Probably, very soon, but who says that is such a good thing. How often in life do we become distracted by what we need, rather than by what we want?

What are your kids really asking for from you, and what do you do when opportunity calls?

Carpe Diem,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Rena Reese
http://mysoulsalon.com/