I have three different blog posts floating through my head today.  I can’t seem to completely pull any of them together for a 500-1000 word post so I thought I’d just say a little about each.

The first thought is about privacy.  Facebook is such a freaky thing.  I’ll admit there was a time when I was really into celebrity blogs.  I visited Perez Hilton and Celebrity Baby Blog numerous times during the day.  Since I joined Facebook I rarely visit those sites.   Reading about people I know, knew, or hope to know seems to scratch that itch for me.  This week I’ve noticed a couple of cryptic status updates from folks.  They give away just enough information to make you go WAIT, WHAT?  They stir up a reaction.  Visiting the individual’s pages you see a line of people asking how they are and what’s going on.  I find myself wondering if it is better or worse that we have this public spotlight for our private matters.  On one hand you get lots of support, but is it real support?

Another issue on my mind is parent/child relationships.  In the novel I am currently writing the main character is 15 and very close with her father.  She talks to him and he listens, they respect each other, and sometimes they even act as if they are friends.    When I look around me at my husband, my friends, and the men in my church these are the kinds of fathers I see, ones who are generally interested in relating to their children.  But in response to my writing someone called the relationship weird.  So I’m wondering if I am just delusional.   Have we moved away from the “kids are to be seen and not heard” idea or not?  Is it possible for a girl to be friends with her dad or do I have some re-writing to do?

The last thought is how I’ve been a bit swallowed up.  I finally started writing this novel and it is all I can think about.  It sits in the back of my mind no matter what I am doing.  The Ray’s and White’s are demanding my attention.  I have a lot of mixed feelings on this.  On one hand it is fabulous because after a year of only writing blog posts and essays I am writing fiction again.  But it is also distracting me and I find myself losing track of my schedule, forgetting things, and neglecting healthy habits because my mind is elsewhere.  My vision of this project is exciting though.  I wonder if I can see it through.  Once it is complete I wonder what will become of it.  At writing group last night I was reminded of the work still left to do and the writing time I need but don’t have.  I have to admit, it’s frustrating and scary to think I may be traveling a path leading to a dead end, just one more book collecting cyber-dust on a shelf in my hard drive.

So that’s what’s on my mind today.  Just a few incomplete thoughts….

Leslee Horner
http://lesleehorner.wordpress.com/

I made the decision to have my 2 and 3 year old sons baptized at the church where I was christened as a baby.  We had the opportunity to celebrate their baptism this past Sunday on a week-long visit to my hometown.  Since we do not have a church of our own, my husband and I were grateful for the support of my mother’s Lutheran church community. 

When my father asked me why I chose to baptize my children, I began to articulate my individual beliefs.  I do not belong to a church and my spiritual practices are in no way institutionalized.  This is true for the majority of Americans and applies particularly to my generation.  Nonetheless, most parents I know have held some sort of religious ceremony for their infants or young children.  In March, I attended a bris for the first time.  My twin nephews were recently baptized.  Following these events, I thought more seriously about planning a baptism for my own sons. 

My father is adamantly opposed to organized religion.  I have many friends and acquaintances who agree with him.  Religion can be divisive and exclusionary.  Fundamentalist religious practices have caused great harm to humanity by spreading fear, hatred and violence.  Christianity in particular is associated with intolerance, war and genocide.  My Dad wanted to know how it was possible for me to baptize my children into a church that continues to ostracize homosexuals and includes teachings about Hell in its liturgy.  Since I had already given it some thought, my answers to his questions came easily. 

Institutions are created by and for humans.  Human behavior does not follow simple patterns.  No person is all good or all bad.  Pitting good vs. evil is convenient, but simplistic.  I find it impossible to separate institutions from the people that created them.  I have yet to see one political, religious or social movement that does no harm.  I made a common argument to my father; Christian institutions have acted both beneficially and destructively over history.  He replied that I might say the same thing about the Nazis.  For obvious reasons, I disagree.  I continue to believe that our relationships with institutions are much like our relationships with individuals: we take what good we can from them, attempt to exist peacefully with them and support or oppose them according to our conscience.  One iron-clad approach does not fit all.  I do not fully condone or contest any person or any group. 

I do not oppose any religion.  I understand the energy of opposition.  Formerly I worked in the law and will likely re-enter the practice in the future.  I know how to entrench myself in a cause.  Lawyers argue one side of an issue irrespective of their personal beliefs.  In litigation and transactional practice, the law requires adherence to one side.  Many people who are not lawyers live life in that way, supporting Y and opposing X, an approach that I find myopic.  Resistance requires force and the outcome often disappoints.  Hence, I try to spend less time resisting and more time cooperating. 

Religious rites are acts of tribal affiliation.  This is particularly evident in marriage and baptism rituals.  Humans find comfort in belonging.  We commemorate our belonging to a larger group through adherence to cultural rites.  Our spiritual inclinations are organized into religious systems.  When we affiliate with a religion, we affirm our belonging to a tribe.  Christianity historically united a large number of tribes under one banner.  Human tribes go to war with one another; they also create favorable alliances.  If we evolve in another direction and tribal loyalties become obsolete, religion may one day disappear.  The importance of religion in modern Western society is diminishing, but in many parts of the world religion continues to dominate thought and behavior.  Even in our part of the world, most every person interacts with a religious institution on some level.  It takes effort to avoid all weddings, funerals, and any other events with a presiding religious official.  Religion has an impact on our lives, irrespective of what we believe. 

Choosing to baptize a child is a clear and direct action in support of Christianity.  When I chose to have my sons baptized in the same church and by the pastor who baptized me, I affirmed my ancestry.  I affirmed my cultural heritage.  I affirmed a church community.  I also affirmed a part of who I am and what I believe.  While I do not endorse every belief and practice of the Lutheran church, I cannot dismiss it as the initial source of my religious education.  I am very grateful for the education I received and for the love and support that was shown to me as a child in the church where I was confirmed and had my first communion.  I will not dismiss the value of affiliation in the nurturance of a child.  It is important to belong; this is an undeniable human need.  Religious rituals for children are intended to be sweet and memorable occasions, and for our family, this intent was preserved. 

In preparation for my sons’ baptism, I promised the two presiding pastors that I would educate my sons in the Christian tradition.  Indeed, I intend for my children to learn about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible.  In addition to the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, I intend for them to study the texts of all spiritual traditions.  As they get older, I would like to be able to talk about the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, the Tao Teh Ching, the Yoga Sutras, the Vedas, the Upanishads and any other texts that we can discover together.  I will teach them not to hate, exclude or discriminate.  I will attempt to raise them in an open and affirming tradition.  As a family, we will honor the divine within ourselves through respecting these outward expressions of divinity.  At the same time, my sons will benefit from the context of a particular familial and cultural tradition.

A friend has invited me to help her write an article for a local publication.  The theme is nurturing your children’s spiritual life.  We talked last night about choosing three points to make that would be most valuable in the lives of our kids.  The first thing that popped into my head is the importance of intuition and listening to yourself.

I have a terrible, terrible memory so it may be that I just don’t remember BUT I don’t think I was ever told to listen to myself and the feelings that rise from within me.  I knew to listen to my teachers, my parents, other adults in my life, and even my friends.  It never occurred to me to listen to ME.  In fact, I’d say I was often even afraid to listen to myself.  When I knew the answers to questions in class I was terrified to raise my hand and respond for fear I’d be wrong and look stupid.  I remember times when I went with the pack and joined in on not so nice behavior b/c following others was easier than not.  I’m sure there was a little voice or a tug at my heart reminding me to do no harm, but I ignored that voice until the deed was done.  Then I had to deal with the consequences of either getting in trouble, losing a friend, or feeling guilty.

I believe that teaching our children to stay connected and listen to the voice within is vital to their emotional health.  I caught a few seconds of an Oprah episode yesterday.  It was long enough to hear Oprah speak to this idea.  The show topic must have been sexual abuse.  She said that our kids need to pay attention to those “this doesn’t seem right” feelings and speak up when they have them.  Too many kids stay silent when they are being hurt because somewhere along the line they’ve learned that they should listen to everyone else but themselves.  We are wired with this protective instinct for a reason.  We know when something isn’t right.  Instead of listening to the outside pressure, whether from peers or “trusted” adults, our kids ought to be encouraged to listen to the quiet inner voice or feeling that is saying no, no, no.

So if I had any parenting advice for myself and others I would say to teach our children that they have an inner compass and how best to use it.

Leslee Horner
http://lesleehorner.wordpress.com/

‘If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves’. ~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939 As spiritual beings experiencing a human lifetime, we strive to understand the human condition as the soul [...]

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Mindful Divorced Parenting: What is Your Pro-Child Way^SM?

Many people are touched by divorce. How is it reaching you? Perhaps a friend or co-worker is going through it. Perhaps you’re watching with the eyes of a grandparent as your own child goes through the experience. Or, perhaps it is your life, your experience, your reality. No matter your distance from the divorce epicenter, it involves you, and now you, in-turn have an influence over its course.

So when faced with a divorce based scenario, what do you say? What flows from you is worth your consideration, especially when children are involved. Are you speaking the Pro-Child Way^SM?

Long before you respond to a matter concerning the divorce, it’s critical for you to consider the child involved. Simply taking the time to funnel your answer through awareness of this child could drastically alter your words. As your co-worker is taking a breath while relaying to you his or her divorce-related episode, imagine the difference in the continued re-telling if instead of commiserating with “what a jerk!” you ask, “how does your child feel about this?” Not only do you shift the course of discussion, but perhaps a shift is also possible in your co-worker’s heart.

With every divorced-parenting moment, you have the choice to either participate in the current direction or to guide it another way. Whether you’re at the periphery of the divorce or at it’s center, your words effect the continued path. This is always true: even when your ex is in the middle of screaming at you.

Nurturing Principle: A child needs love, patience, kindness, security, consistency, and consideration. These are not reserved just for children who are a part of in-tact families. These are not reserved for children whose parents are going through a “friendly divorce.” EVERY child’s soul deserves this. This Nurturing Principle should be at the heart of all discussions, choices, and actions along the divorced-parenting path. But knowing this and applying it to specific divorced-parenting situations is often easier intended then actualized.

As a mom, you may want to give your child consistency as you navigate visitation schedules, but as your child is crying on the bedroom floor, how? As a grandparent, you may want to surround your grandchild in love, but how do you express that in the midst of his or her divorced home-life? And as the friend, how can you encourage patience when it’s your job to fortify your buddy’s drama? That feeling in your stomach may be suggesting a child-centered route, but expressing it isn’t always clear. How do you determine that nurturing path?

Step 1: Consider what not to do. Quick, when considering the Nurturing Principle, what would be the thing NOT to do or say? “Visitation-shmizitation, who cares what my ex thinks! I’m telling him junior wants to stay with me tonight!” Or in Grannie’s dilemma, how about, “Come here pumpkin, I’ll give you all the hugs and cookies you need since your pathetic mom skipped out on you and your dad!” See? It’s pretty easy to come up with what NOT to say. Hollywood is a good place for inspiring “Old Way” scenarios but I’m sure your mind’s chatter can come up with ten in under a second! The quickest route to figuring out what your Pro-Child Way is, is in recognizing what it isn’t.

Step 2: Shrug your shoulders. In identifying what you’re NOT going to say, you’ve likely arrived at that awkward moment when you haven’t a clue as to how to proceed. Admit it freely! For it’s in that space of quiet unknown that you can hear the child’s heart the loudest. Shrug, grab a coffee, meditate, go for a walk, take a long shower, whatever appeals to you, just give yourself the time to not know. Never-mind your ex’s tapping foot or your co-workers baited breath, it isn’t their opinion that matters. If you asked the child, she’d tell you to take all the time you need for her benefit.

Step 3: Speak the Pro-Child Way. Using the Nurturing Principle as your guide, weigh your words. When you speak it, will it show love to the child? Will your words surround him or her in security as opposed to exposing her to vulnerability? If the child were to hear these words, would she recognize that she was deeply considered?

From a mom, “I hear that you want to stay here, but I also know that dad loves you very much and that you love dad. You being with dad tonight is a good thing! You know, we can think of each other and still have fun apart at the same time. I’ll be happy knowing that you’re getting to be with dad. Now, come on it’s time to go. Would you like me to carry you or hold your hand as you walk?” Or grandma’s reassurances, “I know that mom doesn’t live with you and dad anymore, but that doesn’t change her love for you! I remember when you were born and saw your mom shower you with love and kisses, nothing is going to change that. Right now, mom needs to be away. And, because we love her, we’ll understand that being away from you doesn’t mean that she loves you any less.”

The Pro-Child Way^SM isn’t a set list of procedures or phrases laid out in a book; lists don’t take THIS child and THIS situation into consideration. Only you, guided by the Nurturing Principle, can know the Pro-Child Way^SM for the divorce situation that’s before you. The wonderful part is that it reveals itself, when you allow it.

What is the point of all of this ado? For a child to smile. But what if you’ve already travelled down the Old Way path? The good news is that children are wonderfully resilient and acclimate easily to new attitudes – especially ones that make them smile. All it takes is you making the choice to change direction towards the Pro-Child Way^SM.

——————

Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Ellen’s book, The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex, details mindful solutions to 46 tricky divorced-parenting situations.
www.TheProChildWay.com

Race to Nowhere Trailer

What are we doing to our children?

Watching the above film trailer brought up a host of emotions for me. A lump formed in my throat and I felt like I was going to cry...

As I listened to the articulate and thoughtful voices of the young people, I saw myself. I was that stressed out, over achieving child. Twenty years ago I was fully engaged in the "race to nowhere".  I believed in the insanity...

Buying into the whole notion that I always had to strive and focus on competition and the future was hugely unhealthy; I didn't eat or sleep properly; I was depressed, stressed and generally lacked in joy...

I really wouldn't recommend it. Thankfully, I made it through the illusion and have chosen to approach things differently with my own kids. 

Recognizing the inherent, foundational flaws in the system we made a choice.

We're forfeiting the race this time around.

 We un-school.

Though unschooling isn't for everyone and it definitely isn't a "perfect" solution,  it allows for the the individuality and the essence of our children to shine and blossom. They are learning to listen to their hearts in a safe, supportive and non-competitive environment...

At the moment, this looks and feels better than what these poor kids are going through....   

Namaste,

Shannon

Tags: children, parenting, race to nowhere, school, stress, unschooling, vicki abeles

Shannon Rosnau
http://www.thesunshinecoach.com