Thank God for the special people who help in times of need

Six months, 5 different temporary stays, 12 flights, one 12 hour road trip later and….I finally have a home. I’m not moved in just yet, but the move-in date is right around the corner. I haven’t even seen it yet. It’s been picked out for me, and I am so grateful I surrender all control over the details. I saw photos online and felt warmth and peace, and I knew that was all I needed to know. Everything else was trust. Trust that God was working through people.

It’s been a long, and tiring journey. Being an empath is challenging. Being an empath without personal space is a recipe for disaster. And though I didn’t self-destruct thanks to my spiritual practice, yoga, aromatherapy and the ears of good friends, I did have my moments of overwhelm, exhaustion and shed buckets of tears. Displacement for anyone is a nightmare. Displacement for an empath is incredibly challenging. Towards the end of this journey, I felt I would spontaneously combust if I found myself exposed to any more people or other people’s things. I need my own sanctuary to recharge from the emotions I tend to absorb from the environment I’ve been in.

But I did it. I made it though. All the airports and car rides. All the lugging of my little pink suitcase, rolling up clothes to fit more, living off travel sized toiletries, finding health food stores for my special diet in whatever passing town I found myself in. All the nightmares I had in my sleep. Sometimes returning to the night of the fire. Sometimes dreams of terrorists or something bad happening. The most recurring nightmare was that I found myself wandering streets, looking in through windows at comfortable living rooms, other people’s homes. In the dream, I’d look for my own keys, digging in pockets, only to realize I didn’t have any. I had no where to go. I was homeless and on the streets. When I woke up, I realized that dream was not far from my every day reality. I felt trapped in a bad dream ever since I woke up to a fire in my Santa Monica bungalow last December.

Greed and Fraud in Santa Monica

And then the unthinkable happened: the landlady committed insurance fraud. After the fire, she was desperate to cover the costs of repair. She was angry her property had been damaged. Instead of taking responsibility for not keeping her promise to replace the wonky drying machine in the first place, which she hand wrote on my lease, she decided to frame me. She researched my website and saw that I sometimes use aromatherapy oils in my healing practice. She then shoved oily rags into the drying machine so when the insurance adjuster came to view the scene, they found evidence that they felt was enough to charge me with the bill. The landlady, insurance company and bill collections agency that followed all ignored the official fire report that contained the truth: there were dry sheets in the dryer the night of the fire and that the cause was a mechanical issue, not human error. To add insult to injury, the bill collectors response to my explaining the truth of the matter was: “Oh, yeah, right…YOU’RE GUILTY!”

Imagine your life turned upside down because of a cheap, inexperienced landlady who now was framing you and then being judged by some cowardly woman on a phone line determining your guilt by the amount of dollar signs she’ll make out of the deal. This entire situation has been one extended experience with intimidation by bullies – I just can’t stand them. They do nothing but spread stress, fear, pain and negativity in this world, from the little bullies-in-training at elementary schools, to the larger bullies that blew up the World Trade Center. They’re nothing more than unhappy cowards trying to overpower others in an effort to feel self-important and create a mirage of self-esteem.

While the landlady was concocting this plan, which was unbeknownst to me at the time, she intimidated me into signing a legal contract promising I wouldn’t sue her. She had devised what she thought was the perfect plan. She could blame me, and get away with it without the fear that I would sue her for what could have been millions in damages considering the facts of what happened, what I lost and the physical and emotional distress that ensued.

At first, the landlady acted cordial to me and promised she’d have a move back date as soon as she knew from the construction crew. When she became informed by the City of Santa Monica that it was the landlord’s responsibility to pay for my relocation fees, the landlady changed her tune. She didn’t want to pay my hotel costs. She suggested I find someplace to stay. When I told her I had nowhere to stay in L.A., she cut off communication with me. Red Cross tried to inform her of the law and get her to pay, but she refused to cooperate. The next thing I knew, she was giving me 3 days to vacate my bungalow, which led to my homelessness. She then used the insurance money to fix the damage and sold the property for a million dollars. Sometimes I wonder how her past six months have been. The relief she must have felt selling the property that hadn’t been the money maker she had hoped for. Her home being unaffected, her job remaining stable, her life unchanging as she zipped around the palm tree lined streets of Santa Monica in her Mercedes. All the while here I was, career opportunities lost, homeless, flying back and forth across the country sleeping on couches and sharing beds in small spaces, suffering from post traumatic stress and losing sleep, my life changed forever.

Love and Support from Everywhere

During this incredibly tough time, I received supportive cards, texts and phone calls from friends and good wishes from Facebook friends. I thank God for The Red Cross that first week of homelessness for providing a place for me to stay and some cash for food. I continued on with the only job I had left that I could do anywhere: provide intuitive medium readings. I gave phone sessions from hotel rooms and the homes of friends and families. It has been a job that has kept me connected to a higher state of thinking and feeling, and kept me grounded. I’m very thankful for it, and to my teacher, Doreen Virtue. Never would I have guessed that such a job, that I don’t reveal to most I meet, would be such a blessing during a dark time. Every time I provided a reading to someone, it reminded me that everyone is struggling with their own challenge, and everyone has the power to rise above and is divinely helped to do so. Spiritual counseling connects both people to healing, that’s the beauty of it.

Healing The Past

For so long, I’ve wanted justice. I’ve asked myself a million times how someone could be so cruel. I know there are cruel people in this world who do awful things out of fear, greed and selfishness, I just find it so frustrating. I firmly believe life doesn’t have to be so ugly if people would just do the right thing, live in integrity, have a freaking heart. I’ll never forget the night of the fire when I called her to let her know what was happening and she arrived a short time later and shot the most hateful look at me as I stood shivering and in shock, grasping my scared chihuhua on the street corner. She never even asked if I was okay. It’s just not human to be so angry, to lack such compassion at a time like that. If I would have died, which I almost did that night, she wouldn’t have thought twice about my disappearance from this earth. She would have just been stressing about the money she lost. Her behavior following the fire was heartless: sending me a vacate order on Christmas Day. Threatening me in all sorts of ways. Sending me condescending and intimidating emails. Even keeping my deposit and just leaving me with two weeks rent in my pocket. She was nothing more than a bully, using my shock and vulnerability at the time to work in her favor.

It is true that what goes around comes around, and the universe has very clever ways of righting wrongs. The hatred this woman has in her heart is causing her own suffering. I think she experienced her own trauma in the past that she never healed, which is why she cruises through life so cold, manipulative and detached. Unhealed pain and suffering only leads to more in this world. It’s like a virus that spreads. The greatest thing we could do for the planet is heal any anger, any resentment we have and pump up the amount of love we feel for ourselves and humanity. Even when humanity acts less than Godlike, He still made these souls and I have to trust that he made them for a reason that wasn’t intended to hurt us, but to help us learn.

Life Lesson

The lesson here I’m recognizing the most is the importance of placing human life above material things. In the end, when you die and have your life review, you will not be regretting an expensive home that you bought or missing some designer dress you wore. What you will regret is treating people callously, mistreating any living thing at the expense of your own greed or selfishness. Most of all, you will miss the opportunity you had here on earth to make things right.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

The glaciers of Washington. I recently took this shot on a hike.

It’s Mother’s Day. And there are a few things on my mind. First, is how I’d like to spend future mother’s days: not living out of a suitcase unable to make it a special day for my mother as it is this year. Second, how though I understand why the military security has gone up here, it would be nice to not have it take forever to get on and off post. Third, I contemplate what mothering really means.

Mother Earth. Why do we call our planet a mother? Because she gives us what we need to survive. For some kids, the only thing their mother will ever give them is life. For others, they will learn that though moms aren’t perfect because they are only human, at the heart of most moms they want their kids to be healthy, happy and safe. A mom’s job is to provide a child with what they need to survive here. Every mom is going to give their kid something different, depending on what their strength is. One mom can give lots of love, but may not have a ton of life experience to assist their kids with challenges that are foreign to them. Another mom can teach their kid to be real street smart and hard working but may not have the capacity to show tons of emotion and affection. So each kid will enter life with a stronger set of life skills based on what their mom’s have taught them early on. From there, the real motivated will learn even more. Some will break their mother’s unhealthy patterns. Others will repeat them.

One thing I know for sure is that every kid wants their mother’s love. It’s a natural instinct to want to feel protected, defended and nurtured by the only human being who had the power to physically push you out into the world.

A mother’s job is thankless. Even when kids are grown, it’s hard for them to understand just how much their mother actually did for them because we have no memory of those early years which are some of the hardest for moms. The years we could not communicate our needs. When mothers want to do everything right then feel guilty that they didn’t do everything perfectly. They certainly did the best they could.

I have friends who are able to stay at home with their kids, which is not an easy job. Moms who are able to quit their job to stay home with their kids, they don’t receive pay for it. They aren’t recognized by their peers or clients or customers as having done a good job at the end of the day, week or year. There isn’t an “end” to the day where a deadline is met or a boss is satisfied. Every day is the same job. The only compensation is peace of mind – peace of mind that you are providing your child with the love, attention, nutrition and security that they need in those early critical years. Even then, can you guarantee that your child will grow up to be a confident, self-loving adult? No, because every soul comes to life with it’s challenge to overcome. All mothers can do is offer love, support and guidance. Aside from that, their kids must learn their own lessons in the world.

But Mother Earth, though temperamental, doesn’t give up on us. Mother Earth doesn’t say, you’ve polluted me, taken me for granted, used me, etc. so now I will punish you. Mother Earth loves us unconditionally. We take from her and she produces more. But she also teaches us responsibility. She teaches us that though she can clean up some of our messes, and forgive some of our ignorant actions, some things we will have to just learn for ourselves. There will be consequences to some of our behavior, there is a ripple effect to our decision making, and so I see Mother Earth as the greater mother in our world who teaches us the first thing about life: it is a responsibility. Throughout our lives, we will be responsible for our thoughts and actions and the effect we have on the people and things around us.

Spending some beautiful time in the serene nature here in Washington, I’m reminded that as a child of God living on earth, to maintain a natural balance we must shift between being peaceful and aware. I felt so at peace sitting on the rocks, touching the crisp, clean glacier water with my fingertips. I felt I could have napped to the lull of the stream and bird chirps. But then I ventured off by myself down a path and was met with the enormity of nature, and I felt very small and extra alert. If I didn’t pay attention to where my feet were, I could have easily slipped and hurt my ankle on the big river rocks. If I didn’t pay attention to my balance, I could have fallen into the water when crossing it. If I didn’t give a panoramic view of my surrounding, I wouldn’t know if there was an animal lurking in the woods who I may want to avoid being alone with.

Why does Mother Earth ask us to be aware? So we don’t fall asleep, fall prey to ignorance and selfishness. There are times in life when we need to rest. And times in life when we must be really alert. If we are in one state for too long, we will go out of balance – become too complacent or become so on high alert that everything becomes a threat. One thing I know for sure by the sheer beauty of nature is that Mother Earth wants us to feel awe and wonder in this world. No matter how scared or alone we may feel at times, Mother Earth wants us to remember what is possible. With God, all things are possible. And since God created us, Mother Earth and our human mothers, He is also a part of us as much as our cells and bones. He is infused in our very being. He is in our spirit, which never decomposes or deteriorates. God will show us the way, and like our mothers, He will step back and let us learn what we need to when we need to. He will show us, in His example, what we’re capable of when we use our hearts, minds and awareness to create something wondrous and beautiful in our own little microcosm worlds.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

Nothing like a nature walk to clear your head

Nothing like a nature walk to clear your head. Or just getting out of Fayettenam, period. Yes, I’m back on the west coast and it’s no secret that I want to move back here. But this time I’m not in Santa Monica. I’m in Tacoma, Washington visiting my significant other at Fort Lewis. We’re staying on Army base lodging which is like an executive suite hotel room that includes free laundry – if you’re fine with it’s only option being warm cycles.

It’s 5 p.m. and a soldier is playing Taps on the trumpet, signaling the end of the day. A far cry from the constant explosions you hear at Fort Bragg. The whole vibe here is more relaxed and peaceful. The buildings are a bit friendlier looking. Just a short drive on I5 (the same highway I took in L.A.), and you take in a breathtaking view of Mount Rainier. The snow capped volcano regally overlooks the multiple rows of Fir trees and dogwoods – so much green, and so many different shades.

Driving down the freeway, I feel at home again. The roads, the trees, the cute little towns boasting with charm and personality. And most of all: the nature. Nothing sets me more at ease than to be surrounded by the splendor of this earth.

An Exercise in Presence

When we started our nature walk among the beautiful streams and still paths in Orting, I found myself still harboring restlessness. It’s been four months since I lost my home in the fire and I still don’t feel settled yet because I still don’t have my own home. Some people can glide through life from one day to the next. I’m not one of those people. I can’t drift through life like the wind. In Ayurveda, Indian medicine, I’m Vata – I am wind. Without the earth element, I feel like I’m just blowing away. Stability for me is an essential requirement in helping me feel safe, peaceful, focused and happy.

I found that even on this beautiful day, on this gorgeous nature walk, I was still living in the future. I couldn’t even enjoy the walk because all I could think is, this is great, but it’s temporary. What am I going to do next? I didn’t want to enjoy the experience too much and get attached to where I was because having to leave the west coast yet again might hurt too much. So if I kept my mind in the future and kept trying to figure out what the next move was, then maybe I could avoid the feelings associated with leaving someplace I finally felt at home again. I had fallen into the trap of thinking thinking was going to get me somewhere when what I really needed was to stop thinking and just follow the path I was on, one step at a time.

So that’s what I started to do. I vowed on that nature path in Orting that I would start to live in the present. Every time I found my mind rushing off to the future to try to “figure things out” I would reel it back in. I would remind myself to live in the moment and let life unfold as it is. I am going somewhere, even if I can’t see the final destination right now. I am headed on a path that God is leading me down. I have to trust now more than ever. I have to accept that for the first time in my life I can’t see a crystal clear view of the future, but I can see what I need to do in the near future. That’s working in the integrated health program for wounded warriors. I was hired on as the spiritual expert, to teach yoga and provide relaxation and healing to those injured in the war.

I always want to know what’s next. I like to see the big picture. But I know when I can’t see too far into my own future, it’s because God isn’t ready to reveal what’s next yet. Maybe He wants me to just focus on the present and learn how to surrender some of the Type A control to the universe. In doing this, maybe I will learn how to be more at peace during those times in life when I may not feel like I’m co-creating my life with God, but that I really am on a fated path – maybe I need to learn to be okay with that. Maybe I have to accept that as much as I have seen in my future and the futures of my clients, this time I’m not meant to know what’s going to happen next.

How do you feel present in the midst of chaos?

So many people are anxious these days. Stress, denial, unresolved feelings, guilt, insecurity, financial worries and all sorts of other things that get the heart racing and the body uneasy seem to be rampant. If your mind clings on to the past or lingers in the future, there may always be some level of anxiety because you’re forcing yourself to time travel to places that don’t exist in the now. If you can release all stressful thoughts, if you can embrace the wonder of the moment, then you can experience the present. I’ve found that focusing on the little details of the present helps me release anxiety. Paying close attention to the environment has a way of clearing the mind, resetting it from stressful thoughts, and attuning it to the serenity of nature.

Re-setting the mind by focusing on the details

I’ve practiced this exercise for some time without being fully aware what I was doing. But yesterday, I understood it. By using the senses to take in your external environment, you begin to shift your internal environment. If you’ve been in a stressful environment, guess what kind of effect that’s going to have on you internally? You’re going to start to feel like a basket case or gasket that’s about to blow. The same applies if you place yourself in a peaceful environment – you’ll soak it up, and soon begin to feel one with beauty as opposed to chaos.

On the nature walk, I stopped to observe what the watery mud would look like if I made figure eights with a stick through it. I tried to whistle with a blade of grass between my thumb and index fingers. If I heard rustling in the woods, I paused to look for the cause of it – and saw a baby bunny! When passing an Emu, a bird I had never seen before, I stopped and really checked it out. I watched the way it used it’s long, flexible neck to peck food from the ground. It’s long black legs and thick knees gracefully rolled forward as if it were riding a bike. It’s feathery body looked like a large hat, the kind they wear to European weddings. That made my mind travel to the impending Royal Wedding. I had to stop that mind trail mid-trek otherwise I’d be filling my head with questions I would need to Google that night about William and Kate. This was about staying present, so I had to cut the thought to England and bring myself back to Orting, Washington where I was standing feet away from an unusual looking bird that was….looking at me.

I didn’t stop this peaceful blending with the senses once I left the trail. I stayed diligently on that path at Safeway, the local supermarket. The bouquets of colorful flowers seemed to pop out at me in 3D and I couldn’t resist smelling a bunch of pink roses – my favorite. The fragrance was intoxicating and instantly soothing.

Experiment with the senses

Once you open your mind to beauty, you then see it everywhere. It gets harder to recognize these small little gorgeous details in life when you’re always looking at the big picture and especially when things seem bleak. You’ve got to clean the lenses to your eyes when all you’ve seen is dull and drab, and soon the world will look like a brighter, more colorful place. It is. If you need to re-set your mind and soak in more peace, try using all your senses in a gentle environment: sight, smell, touch and listening. A park, the beach or someplace else where you can be among wildlife and nature are God’s healing spaces for us to recalibrate from the emotional stress of life here and return to our natural state of grace.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

My wife and I recently celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. As I reflected on this I decided to share my list of the top ten things I have learned in 35 years, in no particular order.

1. We’ve had to grow-up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it is these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, then our relationship has also grown.

2. We’ve had to change with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.

3. Things go in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.

4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.

5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage are shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.

6. It’s sometimes hard to speak the truth. Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.

7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same as it is for me. What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.

8. The best gift is your presence. The primary question in every intimate relationship is “are you really there for me”. Being present, paying attention and enjoying time together sends the message that “you are most important to me and you can count on me to be here”. One ritual my wife and I have enjoyed over the years is taking a weekend away, just the two of us, at least a couple times per year. It’s a great way to re-connect.

9. Love stretches us. This is one of the purposes of marriage. Your partner will demand from you that which you are not yet capable of giving. For example, “I demand that you love me in spite of …” That something is usually in the area in which you are most vulnerable, such as anger, sex, security, or need for affirmation. This is generally not a conscious process but it helps to be aware of it and cooperate with it.

10. My spouse is usually right about me. This is one I hate to admit but it’s true. Even if it is feedback I don’t want to hear or I think it is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust.

Every relationship is unique of course but I have noticed as a coach that these principles apply to all of us. Look in the mirror at yourself and your own marriage and see if some of these fit for you. Take the long view on your marriage and you will find your way!

Get instant access to Coach Tom King’s Complimentary Dynamic Marriage Map, the map that shows you how to get from where you are to where you want to be in your marriage.

My backyard in Santa Monica was surrounded by flowering plants, hummingbirds and butterflies.

I woke up to the sound of explosions yesterday. They were practicing on Fort Bragg again. I’ve lived in New York City and woke up to cars honking and ambulance sirens. When I lived in Seattle, I woke up to the neighbor’s punk rock music and early morning caffeine high. And in Los Angeles, I woke up to car alarms going off and yuppie’s talking loudly on their cell phones. But explosions, well, that’s a whole new kind of unsettling way to start the day.

But you could say war is the culture here. New York has Broadway. Seattle has Starbucks. Los Angeles has Hollywood. And Fort Bragg has bombs.

It was one of those days you have a long list of errands, some carried over from last week, that you are determined to finish. Cross them off the list for good. One of the things I had to do was fax over my Santa Monica lease and the collections bill for $21,000 – what my former landlady’s insurance company keeps hitting me with, ignoring the letters I am sending them. I felt my blood boil as the pages faxed through, remembering when I first met her and she was thankful just to have a tenant since the bungalow has been vacant for two years. She was a new owner and had also been through a divorce. She high fived me, celebrating the start of my new life. I felt my whole body get prickly when I re-read her handwritten notes at the end of the lease stating she promised she would fix the washer/dryer as part of my rental agreement. She promised. But instead, she made me feel like I was being a neurotic, hassle of a tenant when I kept complaining the dryer wasn’t acting right. The high pitched noises, the shaking…something was wrong and had been wrong the whole time I lived there.

And then it happened, at midnight on 12/12/10, the dryer exploded and I was lucky to have made it out of there unscathed. The fire report stated it was a mechanical issue, not human error, that led to the explosion. We had a legal agreement that she would end the fight that pursued over who was in the wrong by both waiving the right to claim financial compensation. And here I was receiving these letters from a collections agency essentially blaming me for the fire that took away my home, my job and the life I had worked so hard for in L.A. Every time I open these bills, it’s like pouring salt on a wound. I re-live the event and the emotions. I am reminded of everything I’ve lost. It’s incredible what power trauma can have when a simple piece of paper can ignite so much pain. I used to think I didn’t want to bother God with things I could handle myself, but with this, I am praying for help, to release this so the past can be where it belongs – in the past.

I Forgive You To Set Myself Free

I am still in the process of forgiving her when I open these bills. It’s hard. It’s very hard because that event was devastating and drastically altered the direction of my life. How do you forgive someone who has so little compassion and so much hate in their heart? For me, the process of forgiveness starts with rebuilding my life in a positive way. If I decided to get stuck in a moment over her and not move forward, I would stay in 12/12 forever. My life would stop and I would cut myself off from experiencing so much good and beauty that I have to offer and experience. The truth is it’s easier to forgive than to hold onto anger. It’s like releasing a 100 pound weight from your neck. What if something way better than a bungalow in Santa Monica is headed my way? What if that fire was a blessing in a disguise and her hatred was meant to serve as a strong boot kick to get me onto a new path where God wanted me? What if everything I thought I wanted in L.A. really wasn’t in my best interest because God has an even better plan for me?

While I was driving I thought, I am so thankful for my life. Even with it’s ups and downs, right now starting all over yet again, I am thankful for the love I have to share and the love I receive from all different sources. In that moment, I thought about the landlady’s life and how lonely and empty it is. How little people she has in her life to trust, how filled with anger and hate her heart is. I was able to have compassion for her and realize how lucky I am. She may still have her rental properties, Mercedes and lush life in L.A., but I’ve experienced true inner peace and happiness. And I’m able to go there without needing anything but an intention in my mind. My life is so simple, and free. I treat people with kindness and respect, and I only surround myself with people who treat me the same. Even with it’s tragedies, my life is good.

She will have her humbling moment. We all get them. Humbling moments are like required prerequisites for Life 101 that help you learn how to be a better person, and teach you how to respect life. One of my many humbling moments was when I was diagnosed with a disease. I was twenty-one years old and needed humbling because I thought I was invincible and that my body was just a jacket my soul was wearing. Boy, did I learn that wasn’t the case. My body has humbled my mind quite a few times, and continues to do so. What a wonderful teacher flesh and blood is.

Speaking of blood, another thing to check off the list was getting a blood test. We’ll save that one for next time. For now, I’ve got to make a phone call. Another yoga studio that I sent my resume to wants to meet me today. It’s no quick drive, but this time I’m checking Mapquest to see what the quickest possible way is since my GPS seems as confused here as I’ve been by the country roads and lack of street signs. It’s okay. Where there is a will, you bet your downward dog, there is a way.

Five Healthy Ways To Truly Forgive

1. Find the blessing in disguise, reason to be grateful.
2. Do not get stuck in anger – move on by creating something wonderful for yourself.
3. Recognize the pain the other person is experiencing. Even if it doesn’t seem like they’re in pain now, being human, their suffering is inevitable, especially if they’ve created negative karma.
4. Remember the mistakes you’ve made and how important it is for you to feel forgiven. Forgive yourself for anything you’ve done if you haven’t yet.
5. Experience joy through self-care and creative exercises – this will keep the sacral chakra healthy which is the energy center that processes our ability to feel pleasure. And it is also good for brain chemistry, to create new pathways to good feelings and memories.

Forgive – For giving your mercy, for giving your pardon, for giving your compassion to others; for giving YOU peace of mind, health and freedom.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

www.heavenhealingarts.com

"Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction." Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

It’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s talk about love.

I’m an intuitive therapist and a lot of people contact me for guidance about their love lives. A consistent message that has come through for people has been about unconditional love. The greatest challenge is learning how to love someone unconditionally. That doesn’t mean that you accept abusive behavior or stay in an unhealthy situation that isn’t right for you. It does mean that you accept someone’s imperfections just as you would appreciate your own imperfections be pardoned. It means that you be mindful to speak kindly and not hold onto grudges or judgment. Unconditional love is choosing a relationship that lives in the moment, not that clings onto the past. Romantic love can teach us so much about forgiveness, patience, self-respect, assertiveness, selflessness, compassion and mercy. Acceptance is another lesson. Accepting someone as they are, not as you want them to be. A healthy union will challenge both people to grow into a better version of themselves, using their own free will to do so. A loving partner can inspire you to rise above stubborn old habits, broaden your perspective on things, have courage to face your fears and strengthen your ability to be patient and kind to yourself and others.

The Body

So how does falling in love happen? I’ve watched those Discovery shows that break love down into a chemical reaction – “feel good” hormones and built-in evolutionary detectors that help you choose the right mate, biologically. It’s interesting how women who are on the pill are less likely to use their innate biological detectors to choose a good reproductive mate because the synthetic hormones interfere with this natural ability.

I do find the physiological component fascinating because we are made of flesh and blood, and it’s part of the falling in love process. But what about mentally, emotionally and spiritually? How does this process of love unfold on all these different levels to create a life-lasting bond with another human being that is even stronger than we have with our own families?

The Mind

The mental part is an important component because it’s here that people will talk themselves in, or out, of love. All the files to past hurts are stored in the mind, and those files will be activated with warning alerts whenever something triggers insecurity or fear in a present relationship. The conditioning of the past from parents, friends and teachers, can also play a role in relationships, leading the mind to either choose something familiar (but that’s not good for you) or to convince yourself that you’re unlovable (and so you push people away). The mind is a powerful tool in relationships because it has the power to change any unwanted role you’ve played in the past. It has the power to remain present, and aware. But you must be self-aware before you can practice awareness with another. You have to know what you want and need in a life partner, and this is unique to each person’s particular life journey – what they’ve gained, and what they’ve lost. What they’ve had, and what they’ve longed for. Their strengths, and weaknesses. A partner for life is not a romantic fairy tale, though it does have it’s dreamy moments. It is a real opportunity to be tested on the practice of love. A relationship is a daily practice of love, giving and receiving. Some days you may feel you give more, others you may feel you receive more. When both partners are giving, there will be a joint awareness that brings a natural balance in the relationship so no one person feels left out or a sense of unfairness. Awareness is key in the mental realm of love relationships.

The Emotions

Emotions are a fuzzy world. They can blur reality so you see only what you want to see. The hormones are getting you high, and you get caught up in the excitement, and that’s why you need the mind to balance the emotions out. You need to practice moments of non-attachment, as we learn in meditation, to step back and remain centered. You often here people say, “I was swept off my feet.” That’s what happens when the emotions lead, you lose your grounding, your footing, in the every day reality. This every day reality is what ultimately tests a relationship when a person comes down from that high and realizes no one is perfect. Stress happens. It’s how we react to these less than ideal life situations that can make or break a relationship. In the realm of emotions, we can also access a deeper connection with our partners by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to allow another to see us for who we really are, to share joy and sorrows. Without this emotional connection, love can’t flourish. The emotions allow us to actually feel a spiritual connection with another human being. The emotions are the bridge that carry the feeling of love to and from the heart, and fill a home with warmth and comfort.

The Spirit

What I see most often in my counseling practice is a lack of spiritual connection in couples. Wives often feel they must keep their interest in Reiki or pursuit of spiritual knowledge and awareness separate from their husbands because it’s not something their husbands would understand or be supportive of. So long as the husband is supportive of his wife’s need to fulfill this part of her life, then the couple can still connect spiritually in the way of respect. Respecting each other’s individual beliefs and spirituality is very important in a healthy relationship. If there is no spiritual connection, it’s not the end of the world, but it sure can up the chances of divorce. Think about it: if a couple who has a strong shared faith encounters a major life challenge such a job loss, where will they turn to support? They’ll turn to their faith, whether it’s a religion or just a shared spiritual belief. Their joint faith will help them cope with the stress in a healthier way, helping them see ways to overcome the challenge, gain wisdom and support each other. The couple who don’t share a joint faith may find a major life challenge rocks them to their core, and lowers their reactions to blame, anger, and ultimately a disconnect. Once that lack of support and love is felt in a relationship, it starts to deteriorate until all that’s left is distance and resentment. During times when couples are tested and fail to be brought closer together, wounds are created that may never quite heal right without vital spiritual support. Spiritual support is a healing salve in a life that may often seem nonsensical in it’s happenings.

Prayer, meditation, couples yoga, nature walks together, retreats when you can share silence and self-reflection time, and reflecting on your relationship and what you’re learning and what you want to learn, will create a strong spiritual foundation for love to thrive.

All of this may seem very practical, but how does one actually fall in love? Aside from the shift in brain chemistry that makes you feel all warm and fluttery inside, how does real love develop?

The Word

It’s through the simple, daily words and actions. Kind, supportive words, generosity of time and care, integrity, honesty, loyalty, all of these every day words and actions are like pieces of thread that eventually create a strong bond between two people that is sturdy enough to weather storms and resist temptation, and flexible enough to allow each person to grow as individuals and as a couple. Words are powerful, they are food for the soul, and without positive, loving, kind words shared in a relationship, toxicity will poison both people leading to a demise is love and affection. No one can feel close to someone who judges them, criticizes them, rejects them, or makes them feel unworthy. We are each individually responsible for how we choose to react in a relationship. It’s our reactions that will lift a relationship to a higher level or lower it to where it’s bound to break.

If someone isn’t making you happy and isn’t open to changing, it is a far better act of love to set you both free to find better matches than to begin to resent and belittle or withdraw affection because you don’t feel happy. We are individually responsible for our own happiness. Choosing the right relationship based on awareness and daily acts of love will support your inner happiness. Allowing yourself to stay in the wrong situation and endure daily stress, frustration and pain isn’t an act of kindness or mercy towards yourself, and it’s certainly not love. Love is kind, love is merciful, love is forgiving. Everything else is a fear response. So if you’re feeling anything less than love in your relationship, ask yourself, what do I fear?

Character Traits That Support Your Beliefs and Lifestyle

True love is based on admiration and respect for your partner. Not for who you wish they would be, or wanting them to fix everything that ever went wrong in your life. True love is not about lust or fantasy. It’s about giving, giving of yourself. And this can be hard, especially on those rough days. The practice of love is not always easy, but it is very rewarding. When you admire and respect the person you are with, you begin to feel a deep love for who they are. You love how they treat you, how they treat others, and how they contribute positively to the world around them. They become a role model, motivating you to reach your greatest potential and do what makes you happy. True love doesn’t stifle, doesn’t block, doesn’t make you feel held back in any way. True love liberates, it sets you free from the bounds of fear and encourages you to be the person that you want to be.

On this day when we celebrate love, I will make a vow to myself to maintain awareness in love. Long gone are the days when I was impressed being swept off my feet. Today, I want to be in a waltz with my partner, taking one step, one day at a time on this journey that we share together.

©2011 Lauralyn Harter

www.heavenhealingarts.com