Is your love of power undermining the power of your love?

I heard a lecture this weekend by author Diana Butler Bass who is a scholar specializing in American religion and culture.  She talked about how the Christian church has often been so caught up in the love of power that it forgot about the power of love.  Whether is was the crusades in the 12th century or current concerns about the religious right or creeping secularism, a militant response seeks to gain power and control over others.  The power of love to change the world and transform lives is lost in the process.

I couldn’t help but think about power dynamics in relationships.  Many times, especially early in marriage we struggle for power and control.  Not that it is always intentional or conscious; rather it springs from our internal sensitivities.  We have ingrained ideas about how things are supposed to work in relationships and feel defensive when our partner challenges those ideas.  We find ourselves fighting over things like how we handle money or every day issues like who cleans the litter box.  The issues themselves often are trivial but they are connected to strong feelings and deeper agendas.  Our responses are often militant in that we insist on our own way at the expense of the other’s sense of well being.

Breaking power struggles is possible, even easy, when we shift focus from the love of power to the power of love.  In love we can learn to honor our self and our partner by speaking the truth about what we are really thinking and feeling.  For example, “it’s important to me that we save more money because I’m afraid that if we don’t we’ll end up struggling in retirement just like my parents did”.  This at least puts real information on the table and opens the door to talking about each person’s hopes, dreams, fears, and way of thinking.  Love does not insist on its own way but seeks to find solutions that work for the best of all, which cannot happen if you make it about who has power

When you find yourself in the grips of a power struggle consider these questions:

•    What am I really feeling right now?
•    Why is this issue so important to me?
•    Why is it so important to my partner?
•    In the big picture, what’s really important?
•    What do I need to learn from this situation?
•    How can I make this about love rather than power?

After all that you may be tired so go ahead and take a power nap.  You deserve it!

Get instant access to the map that shows you how to get from where you are to where you want to be in your marriage. Complimentary video at  Dynamic Marriage Map

We come into this world as a precious spirit abiding in a beautiful but fragile baby body.  We have no tools to survive in this world so we are completely vulnerable and dependent on those who care for us.  To the extent that we receive the care we need, including love, safety, and nurturing, we will grow in confidence and capabilities.  We learn to develop, nurture, and express our own spirit as we grow up and become who we are meant to be.  It is like a seed encoded with the possibilities of becoming a beautiful, fruitful tree, but the form of the mature tree depends on the conditions present to shape it in the process of maturation.  However, unlike the adult tree, we never lose the ability to create and transform ourselves as we obtain the tools and understanding of how to do so.

Our human experience does not provide all the perfect growing conditions, so we get cut and bruised, and injured.  Instinctively we protect ourselves as best we can and hide the precious spirit within from harm.  To the extent that we do not receive what we need, we lack in confidence that it is OK to express and be who we are.  Over time we forget who we are in essence and learn to compensate for the pain and fears we feel.  This sets us a pattern of seeking to fulfill ourselves through whatever seems to offer comfort and validation.  However, this will always fail because we are not designed to fulfill ourselves.  We are designed to be fulfilled in the divine spirit and to find purpose in learning, growing, experiencing, and contributing to creation in this life we are living.

Marriage and other intimate relationships offer great potential for helping us grow and transform.  However, we often suffer because we ask our partners to provide the fulfillment we are desperately seeking and they cannot.  So we get stuck in projection, blame, and resentment, because we are angry about a lifetime of not knowing how to get our needs met.  What we fail to realize is our intimate and loving relationships cannot be the source of our fulfillment but they can be the fertile environment we need to do the inner work of connecting with and expressing our true self.  In a loving relationship we can find the safety and courage to remove the layers of protection we have built around our spirit.  As a partner in a loving relationship you can experience the privilege of supporting and bearing witness to the dissolving of these fears and pains and the emergence of the essence of your loved one. There may be no higher calling than this.

Do you long for more intimacy in your marriage? Get your free Mini Course: “Intimacy Stimulus Program” – Take the seven day challenge now and let me show you how to get started.

http://www.growitforward.com/intimacy-stimulus-program

I asked a couple that I have been coaching for a while to look deeply into the eyes of one another and tell me what they saw.  The husband looked at his wife for a moment and said “I see the eyes of an angel”.  What is remarkable is this is a couple who has worked through infidelity and some other tough issues and are now emotionally healthier and more connected than ever.  They are learning what it feels like to be in quadrant 4 of the Dynamic Marriage Map.

I have previously written about the Dynamic Marriage Map I created to help articulate the stages and dynamics of marriage and other intimate relationships.  Quadrant four of the Dynamic Marriage Map speaks to the possibilities and fulfillment of a marriage in which two people have worked through enough of their developmental issues to reach a higher level of maturity and have also nurtured a high level of connection.  This stage is characterized by interdependence, co-commitment to the wholeness of each other, high intimacy, and spiritual connection.  It is hard to consistently live at this level and it requires ongoing learning and growth.  Making the commitment of a lifetime journey opens up new depths of possibilities.

There are things you can do to strengthen your relationship muscles and move to quadrant four.  Some are individual work on your own growth, such as developing your understanding of your strengths, talents and needs, as well as your limitations.  You can also focus directly on building good feelings and intimacy between the two of you.

One practice my wife and I have done over the years to strengthen our relationship is to schedule get away weekends at least a couple of times a year.  These are weekends with no commitments other than to be with each other, typically at a nice hotel or bed and breakfast.  Our only agenda is quiet time and connection.

Some crucial elements for deeper connections are:
•    Take time strictly for each other.  Talk about your hopes and dreams for your lives together.  Leave the computer and smart phone off.
•     Look deeply into one another’s eyes.  That may sound corny but when is the last time you really looked at each other?  Seeing love and acceptance in the eyes of someone who knows you intimately is deeply healing and affirming.
•    Speak the words of affection that you feel.  Take the risk of being honest and transparent.
•    Listen intently to one another.  Also listen to the voice from within that softly affirms “this is where I belong”.

As always, for more information on the Dynamic Marriage Map or coaching, please contact me.  I’d love to guide you on your journey. http://www.growitforward.com

Dear Friends,

We are forever surrounded by love. From the rays of the sun that nurture and sustain life on our precious planet, to extending a helping hand to another in need, our existence is found within this unifying principle we know in our heart as love. Life itself is the expression of unconditional love and you are here right now simply because you are a magnificent presence of this same love.

The beauty of our journey is that we represent a full spectrum of sizes and shapes, colors and gender, beliefs and perspectives, while being ever connected in a common bond of unity through our heart. From the tiniest atomic particle to the brilliance of an imaginative idea that changes the world, it is love that guides our grand expedition in this experience of life.

We live to love just as we love to live. Each of us represents a wonderfully diverse and unique expression of our individual and collective potential to share love. This love animates and propels us forward to experience love in every aspect and facet of life. It is our deepest aspiration to embody this love since that is who we are at the core of our being.

Even when we choose to create the illusion that we are somehow separate from love, the potential to love remains in each moment. If we allow the perception of separation to last long enough so that we begin to doubt ourselves and this eternal connection, or even beyond to where the thought of fear intrudes, a simple recognition of our heartbeat is enough to remind us that love is right within our being.

You matter with each breath you breathe and step you take. Every action and interaction, thought, word and feeling makes a difference to everyone. No one could ever take your place and what you bring to this amazing tapestry of life is invaluable and cherished. This is the way of love. This is you… an amazing presence of love.

Love, light and peace,

Harold W. Becker

President and Founder

The Love Foundation, Inc.

“Inspiring People to Love Unconditionally”

www.thelovefoundation.com

Here is the replay link to my interview with Dr. Dean Shrock on Thursday, February 11, 2010.

Topics covered include:

-> How Guided Imagery and helping people cultivate the “will to live” directly led to remissions in cancer
-> What is Quantum Entanglement and The Theory of Non-Locality
-> How Dr Shrock conducted ground breaking research on Guided Imagery and its miraculous treatment of cancer
-> What is the connection between Love and Science?
-> A story about Dr. Shrock witnessing a Japanese Martial Artist who demonstrated a double sided knife passing through his hand
-> Why Love Heals

To hear the replay click here

Many of my clients come to me wanting to get a handle on their emotions. Buddhists often refer to thoughts/feelings run amuck as “monkey mind”. While I am a proponent of feeling your feelings (in fact, Carl Jung said “All neurosis is a substitute for legitimate suffering”), when the monkey is driving the car, we feel like we are on a crazy ride.

Most, if not all, of our emotions gone wild are caused by dualistic thinking. “Does he like me? Maybe he doesn’t like me!”, “Am I okay as am?” or “Am I inadequate?” However, the mind cannot serve two masters. We may tend to jump back and forth between two thoughts or feelings, making ourselves, and probably those around us, feel unnerved.

For those of us who believe in a higher power, as soon as we become aware of this dualistic thinking, we may want to have a higher thought at the ready. So for example, if we are fussing about a romantic relationship, we may want to think a thought that aligns us with God such as “God, I turn this situation over to you so that you may guide all parties involved to our highest good”. If you find yourself slipping back into nagging dualistic thinking, as soon as you have the awareness, turn it over to God again. You may have to do this a hundred times a day. With discipline and vigilance in watching your thoughts and feelings closely, you will begin to make change (quantum change no doubt).

I once heard Marianne Williamson say that when she had hardship in her life she would get on her knees and cry out to God. After that problem resolved she would find herself back down on her knees with another challenge, trying to align with the thoughts of God. Finally, she realized, that maybe (metaphorically) she should stay down on her knees. In terms of dualistic vs. Divine thinking, she knew it would be wiser for her to stay as completely aligned as possible with Divine thinking as all times.

http://www.simplydivinesolutions.com