» Emotions

Deep Stuff,

Emotions,

Love,

Peace,

The Soul

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…

September 3rd, 2012

…who’s the biggest liar of them all? Well, apparently I am! And I’m happy to admit it once and for all. I don’t feel guilt or shame about it. In fact, I embrace it. There are times when I simply find it necessary to tell an untruth. I’d rather not tell the bill collector that I can’t pay the bill because I spent the bill money on shoes. Or tell a loved one that the reason I’m late is because I spent the morning laid up watching Sex and the City DVDs or doing other things that would seem unimportant to them. However, while Ijustify these concessions with honesty, I am intolerant of others who find it necessary to do the same with me. Well, that was until I realized that I am a big ole liar (among other things) my damn self. Lol!

I have ended many relationships due to the above infraction. The moment I find out that I have been lied to, my behaviors and attitude toward my beloved change. I begin to doubt everything they say and question whether they will ever “earn” my trust again. But then I start testing them to see if they’ll ever lie again. Man oh man do I test them. Wow. The insanity that exists in those of us who consider ourselves sane is frightening. And I justify all the tests and questions by saying that I want to make sure this is going to work. Can we say self-sabotage?

My lasts two relationships left me drained. I was sick and tired of the lying men I seemed to continually attract. Why was I always attracting liars when I tried so hard to be honest in all of my relationships? Guy #1 promised to love me no matter what. He told me I was safe and that I could trust him, but our first disagreement ended with him banishing me from his life – FOREVER. ??? My extreme hurt and sadness soon turned to anger over the realization that he lied about everything he ever said to me. Guy #2 couldn’t seem to tell the truth if his life depended on it. He’d lie about the color of the sky if I couldn’t see it for myself. The relationship was unhealthy and destructive and nothing that I had ever experienced as an adult. His lies combined with his emotional immaturity left me afraid to attempt another relationship for a while.

Those two relationships left me to ponder what on earth is going on with my energy that I attracted two, seemingly, different romantic yet both hurtful experiences? Well, the common denominator between the two is…me. And I realized that after all the reading and theorizing and analyzing and discussing and attending workshops, seminars, webinars and whatevers, I still was not PRACTICING all that I now “know.” So since I “know” that all relationships are growth opportunities and our mates mirrors, and since I obviously was not growing or learning what I need in order to create a successful, sustaining relationship, I figured it was time to do some deep soul work. It was long overdue. So I sat in deep contemplation for what seemed to be hours. Then I journaled. And after that I talked to my bestie. And then I journaled some more. Finally, as if a bolt of lightning jolted my consciousness, I had an epiphany. I am a liar! I am a pretty, little freakin liar! I was so busy sitting atop my high horse staring down in righteous condemnation at these men for having lied to me, when I lie all the doggone time. It doesn’t matter that I consider my lies “small” (what are small lies anyway?). A lie is a lie is a LIE! These men are my mirror! All the men I’ve encountered are my mirror. What a powerful and liberating moment for me. Elated and giddy about my self-discovery, I started laughing and crying all at once. I was free! They were free! And an invisible veil was lifted from my consciousness. I became more aware that I, too, make mistakes and tell lies and am sometimes late to appointments or meetings. I became more aware of all the little things that annoy me and how I ALSO sometimes do those things. Ha! The moment I realized this about myself and that there’s no malintent with my lies or any of the other infractions, I was able to truly, authentically release any negative feelings I had towards the men of my past. And see and accept them for exactly who they are – imperfectly perfect human beings – as am I. And so now I look forward to the opportunity to PRACTICE what I have finally learned. So very grateful for mirrors.

Love

Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About

May 15th, 2012

We’ve seen the headlines “Black Men Don’t Get Married!”, “Why Black Men Choose White Women”, “Most Black Women Will Never Marry” and countless other titles of articles that perpetuate the belief that black men and women cannot, do not, will not choose each other as mates. There’s the constant media promotion that we cannot co-exist in a successful, loving relationship. Just look at many of the couples on prime time television shows. How many of them are comprised of a black man and a black woman? Better yet, a happily, married black man and woman?And, unfortunately, as a result, we’ve accepted these myths as truth. We focus on all the failed relationships of our family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, whoever we can find, to justify that we cannot create successful relationships of our own. We read the articles. We bash the opposite sex. We blame our former lovers, spouses, FWB’s and one nighters. We form pity parties and become victims of all that was ever done to us in the name of love or sex or love and sex Thereby, eventually, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy within our own lives to further justify the media’s propaganda. Until finally, our lives resemble those that the zealous journalist simply eager for a byline has so eloquently described in his article. We’re loverless. We’re loveless. And we’re alone.

However, at no time does it occur to us to simply take some time to take personal inventory into our thoughts and our habits that have created the current loveless state of affairs which we’ve deemed our love lives. Truth be told, I know more successfully AND happily married couples than I do divorced. It’s none of my business whether or not either of the spouses have had extra marital affairs. The point is to acknowledge that it can be accomplished. That a fulfulling marriage between a black man and a black woman can be attained is my primary focus because there are so many people who doubt it’s possible. Or at the very least they are implying that it is unattainable. And it’s not because their information is anymore factual than mine. I mean ultimately, at the end of the day, who is the expert on black marriages? Definitely, not anyone writing those headline seeking articles. Furthermore, in order to have hardcore irrefutable statistics, ALL black people would have to participate in the census and we know, historically, this does not happen. Therefore, why are we buying into what the media is feeding us?

I’m no conspiracy theorist by any means. However, I can apply critical analysis to any situation. And in this particular case, some things just aren’t adding up. Why such the overt attack on black relationships? I don’t profess to have the answer to that question but I know what we need to do as a community. Simply put- Prove them wrong. We are a loving people. We love hard. And even though we may not always get it right, we’re willing to go back for more. Black women are lovable and there are plenty of black men who are ready to love them.

In order for our love lives to improve we must change the way we view each other. We are not enemies. This is not a competition. We are not out to get each other nor do one another harm. We are inherently good and loving. When we choose to recognize the good in each other we will see a marked difference in our loveships. When our focus changes to the positive attributes that we have to offer we can begin to turn around the rate of success of our relationships with one another. And when this happens, others will be forced to write new headlines. And imagine what they’ll write about when we’re operating in love. Imagine.

Smooches!

Love

The ONE Personal Growth Practice I Couldn’t Live Without

by Justin Carboneau

April 15th, 2012

I’ve been into personal growth for about 7 or 8 years now. I’m constantly reading books and articles, listening to interviews and podcasts, watching videos, doing courses, etc., etc.

But as much as I love learning and growing, there have been times in the past where I would just “tread water” and not make any real progress for months at a time.

Why was that? What was I missing?

The answer: Consistency.

If you’re like me, you might get all excited about a program and follow it for several weeks or even months, but then eventually you’ll stop. I’ve found that, no matter how good the program, and no matter how excited I am about it, eventually I’ll grow tired of doing the same thing all the time.

I’ll get off track and regress into my old ways for weeks at a time. I’ll drink too much, watch a lot of TV, stay home and be anti-social, and just generally waste my time.

So what did I need? What strategy could I use to keep me consistently growing every day?

Enter the Morning Routine.

For the past 4 months, I’ve gotten up every day and done the same morning routine:

I get up around the same time every day and get a glass of water
I sit down in my favorite chair
I take several deep breaths
I write down the same 5 affirmations
I read, watch, or listen to something inspiring
I look at my list of goals for the week

The first 4 steps are always the same, and they only take about 5 minutes. The fifth step is more flexible, and can vary based on my mood, what I want to learn, and how much time I have. And the last step reminds me what I want to focus on, so I don’t waste my time on stuff that doesn’t matter.

The Results:

I’m really happy with the results over the past 4 months. I feel much more driven and goal-oriented. There HAVE been times where I’ve gotten off track, but it never lasted long, because I’ve made it a point every day to get up and do my morning routine without fail.

It’s kind of amazing to look at where I am now compared to where I was 4 months ago, as far as what I’ve learned and accomplished, and how good I feel on a day-to-day basis. I attribute that to consistently making progress – every day – without having those long periods of non-growth or regression that I used to struggle with.

Try it for yourself

If you don’t have a morning routine, I urge you to make one. It doesn’t have to long and it doesn’t have to be set in stone either. Odds are, your morning routine will change over time. But just stick with it – change it up every so often if you need to, to keep it fresh – but most importantly, do it EVERY DAY.

In a few months, you might just be shocked at what you’ve accomplished with just a little consistency!

If you found this article helpful, please feel free to Tweet it, Like it, or Stumble it!

Health,

Love Exercises

Focus on Love

March 25th, 2012

I was livid. A coworker just relayed the news regarding the Trayvon Martin case and I stood there shocked, frustrated and then downright ticked off. Again?! It happened again?! And to make matters worse, everyone in America was aware of the perpetrator, but there had still been no arrest. Really?! I spent the rest of the day talking to and/or informing my students about the case and by the end of the day the sting had worn off…but not the frustration and later, the grief. As the Universe would have it, the strong reaction regarding the tragedy of Trayvon then invited more “stuff” which produced annoyance and utter frustration. I was in for a hell of a week. The next day a parent angrily waited for me to arrive to school to discuss her child’s detention. Rushing to make copies, I was slightly annoyed at the diversion of meeting this parent, and for the first time I might add, before I had time to mentally prep for my day. Nonetheless, I took it all in stride, showed her evidence of her child’s infraction, thereby satisfying her inquiry regarding the motivation behind the detention. Next! I then began to wonder what else should I be annoyed about? I then ran down the list of folks I had spoken to or had not and began to deduct points based on the frequency of their contact. By the end of the list, I was pretty pissed off yet again. Why hadn’t anyone from ATL called me? What was up with my besties and their lack of contact? Are we so caught up that we can’t pick up a phone and say hello? And then I started thinking about how if I was a man I’d hear from them ALL the time. My ex calls this “stinkin thinkin”. And appropriately so, because by the end of this mental rant your mood and perspective has completely changed and you are so far from radiating love that whatever you’re emitting reeks to the high heavens. It’s foul and your energy “odor” literally stinks.

Oh, but I didn’t stop there. The hits just kept on coming. During my planning I decided to respond to some pretty extreme texts my ex had sent. Twelve to be exact. I delayed responding simply because I didn’t want it to be done out of anger. I was hoping to get through to him some how and make him understand why it was time to go our separate ways. Well, I dial his number and get an error message that my service is shut off. Huh? I immediately check my bank account to see what is going on and notice someone’s been shopping online and it wasn’t me. There were purchases for Walmart.com, Apple Store, and some place called Trendy Readers. Wow! After calling the bank, they tell me that I have to cancel all my cards and file fraud claims. Ok, no problem. However, the lady then tells me that it will take five days to get my funds back. FIVE DAYS! Moreover, I can no longer use my cards and goodness knows how long it’ll be before I get the new one.

My phone carrier was absolutely no help. Because the bank declined the payment they refuse to restore service until I’ve paid them in full. Will you take a check? Lol. Of course the answer was no! But…I’m waiting for a call about a job. Sorry. But…I have a mastermind call on Sunday. Again, I’m so sorry. Sooo…no phone and no access to money since my bank is not local.

Now, in retrospect, I see exactly how I created all of that. And I acknowledge and accept my part in it all. It took silence to be able to see more clearly how I created undesirable experiences and emotions. Somewhere in the midst of all of that “stuff” I forgot to focus on love. Unconditional love of self, those around me, my loved ones and the world in general. In my solitude I have been able to see how these situations mirrored my own thoughts and actions. Solitude is powerful when you allow it to be. Oddly enough, I now see how my phone could have been used as a weapon of mass destruction. I was not going to leave my ex a nice message. Someone unavailable had started to call me again after I swore off unavailable men forever. And I probably would have gone out to meet friends, spending money that was not included in my now very strict budget. Yeah, Tmobile probably did me a favor.

There are going to be challenges. There are going to be things we must contend with on a daily basis that will rock us to the core or just give us a slight nudge. What makes the difference with it all is our response. Remembering to focus on love in spite of it all. Smooches!

Love

Be careful what you ask for

February 8th, 2012

Bad habits are hard to break. I’m in a relationship that is possibly the most challenging relationship I’ve ever had in my life. When I reconstructed my “Perfect Man for Me” list, I changed a few things around and was highly pleased with my new list. I felt strongly that the next time I linked with someone romantically I would have a different, better experience. Well, I have definitely had a different experience, whether or not it’s better is relative. What I can say with complete and utter honesty is that it has been the most challenging relationship experience I’ve had thus far. Now, of course, how I choose to look at it is what will make all the difference and ultimately determine our success or…failure. I’m hesitant to use the term “failure” simply because if we view relationships as the learning opportunities that they truly are, there is no such thing as a failure. Great concept in a perfect world without ego right? Ha! Nonetheless, the fact is I’ve gotten exactly what I asked for. I wanted an alpha male. And I got one. Boy oh boy have I ever! In fact, he is ALL alpha male. Ouch! And that’s where many of our challenges lie.

I had become fed up with men who wouldn’t take the lead or waited for directions that I believed the answer was the antithesis of that. And so I fashioned my list for a man who possessed qualities more in alignment with what I desired. What I didn’t focus on was a balance. The concept of balance in a relationship is another blog topic altogether.

As I stated early, the success of our relationship ultimately boils down to choice. I can choose to view it as a negative issue or I can take this opportunity to learn more about myself and how I navigate in challenging situations. And even with though his male machismo proves difficult at times he does embody the other qualities I have on my list. He’s kind, generous, puts family first and possesses the where-with-all and commitment that makes me safe. He truly is a GOOD guy.

I know that you can’t go into a relationship expecting people to change or, heaven forbid, trying to make them change. And that is not my desire. I choose to focus on the good, make wonderful memories and let it ride. I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I plan to enjoy him and us for as long as I can. And…maybe… revise my list, just a little, again. You never know. Perhaps the spirit of the list will rest upon his shoulders one day.