We have all heard that you can’t change anyone but yourself. That doesn’t stop most of us from trying however. The ways in which we do try to change our spouses always seem to backfire because the underlying message is “you are not good enough”, which is what they already feel anyway so the natural response is defensiveness.

I have come to believe that while we can’t force, seduce, or manipulate anyone to change; we can create conditions that provide the support and freedom for people to change, if they decide to. Changing is a process of healing and becoming whole. Consider this quote from Marianne Williamson:“We heal when we feel forgiven. We heal in the presence of compassion. If you really want someone to change, the miracle lies in your ability to see how perfect they already are. We miraculously heal in the presence of someone who believes in our light even when we are lost in our darkness. And when we learn to see others in the light of their true being, whether they are showing us that light or not, then we have the power to work that miracle for them.”

Understanding what Marianne is saying and putting it into practice requires that you first realize that you too are perfect in your true self. You need to reconnect with your own light and see yourself with compassion. This requires conscious and deliberate spiritual practice. In the words of Marianne again, “Spiritual practice is key to our power as light-bearers, for we cannot extend peace if we do not cultivate it. Our thoughts and attitudes need persistent training in a world so intent on convincing us that we are who we are not and that we are not who, in fact, we are. The thinking of love is completely opposite the thinking that dominates this world; that is why we must be constantly reminded of the light”. Do a simple daily practice of intentionally reminding yourself of the light within you and within your spouse and then act as if you really believe it. Keep practicing if you don’t see changes because most of the time healing takes loving consistency and honesty over time. In any event, love is its own reward.

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All of us have scars from past experiences that cause pain and conflicts in the present. Until we allow healing of the wounds from those things long ago hidden away they will continue to surface in one form or another; self-destructive behaviors, physical or emotional symptoms, or recurring patterns of conflict in your relationships.

We seek various and sometimes desperate ways to heal and fulfill ourselves. The problem is we are not created to fulfill ourselves. Nor are we created to find fulfillment, deep-down fulfillment that our souls long for, in our relationships. Seeking fulfillment of our deepest needs outside of ourselves is like a race with no ending. It will exhaust you.

Instead we are invited to rest in the knowledge that we are of Spirit and created to find fulfillment in God. We are loved perfectly and completely. Life serves the purpose through experience of understanding this love more fully. When we stop seeking and start receiving we can then live not to fulfill ourselves but to express ourselves. Marriage and other intimate relationships then take on the purpose of loving rather than demanding that our partners fulfill us. It is love that heals us. Love is why we are here.

All of us have scars from past experiences that cause pain and conflicts in the present. Until we allow healing of the wounds from those things long ago hidden away they will continue to surface in one form or another; self-destructive behaviors, physical or emotional symptoms, or recurring patterns of conflict in your relationships.

We seek various and sometimes desperate ways to heal and fulfill ourselves. The problem is we are not created to fulfill ourselves. Nor are we created to find fulfillment, deep-down fulfillment that our souls long for, in our relationships. Seeking fulfillment of our deepest needs outside of ourselves is like a race with no ending. It will exhaust you.

Instead we are invited to rest in the knowledge that we are of Spirit and created to find fulfillment in God. We are loved perfectly and completely. Life serves the purpose through experience of understanding this love more fully. When we stop seeking and start receiving we can then live not to fulfill ourselves but to express ourselves. Marriage and other intimate relationships then take on the purpose of loving rather than demanding that our partners fulfill us. It is love that heals us. Love is why we are here.

Get instant access to the map that shows you how to get from where you are to where you want to be in your marriage. Complimentary video at Dynamic Marriage Map

A friend of mine was telling me about the wedding of his son and new daughter-in-law this weekend. He had several good observations. One was the joy and pride of seeing his son grown into a mature young man making a commitment to a lovely young woman. He talked about the joy of being a father and how important it has been just to be a loving presence in his son’s life. Several of his son’s friends seemed to be missing that from their own fathers and often sought to engage with him for some sort of recognition. My friend also shared how great it was to welcome a daughter into their family, noting they only had two sons. He said his wife gave a moving toast as she said this young woman had not become their daughter-in-law but their daughter-in-love.

My friend’s story resonated with my own experiences of being the father of two girls who have grown into lovely and strong women. For me and my wife, being a loving and consistent presence in their lives has been wonderful for us and provided fertile soil for them to grow in. They have both found strong and loving men to marry and are now starting their own families. It is very satisfying to witness and be a part of. We have now entered the delightful stage of being grandparents. Our first granddaughter is now 19 months old and this weekend our younger daughter gave birth to her first child and our second granddaughter. It is wonderful.

There is nothing better than indulging deeply in the fruits of love. My friend and his wife and I and my wife have been blessed no doubt, but we are not special people with unusual gifts or talents. The fruits of love are the result of planting the seeds of love early and often and then cultivating and nurturing those seeds into maturity. It is simply engaging in the practices of love on a consistent basis over time that yields results. Of course some have more difficult circumstances than others, but you can always choose love and choose to be present in the lives of those you love. I encourage you to be in it for the long term. The fruits are delicious.

Get instant access to the map that shows you how to get from where you are to where you want to be in your marriage. Complimentary video at Dynamic Marriage Map

Why won’t you meet my needs? A client recalled this lament from his wife, which in essence was the accusation: “you have the ability to meet my needs, you’re not doing it, and furthermore you’re not doing it on purpose”. Upon further exploration it became clear that in spite of this man’s efforts to meet his wife’s needs he could not satisfy her demands. She had taken on the role of victim and projected blame onto him. He, in turn, felt helpless and stuck and projected blame back onto her for being impossible to please.

This situation illustrates a common struggle in marriage relationships. The real problem is a misguided assumption that one’s spouse is responsible for and capable of meeting our core needs and fulfilling us. That is not possible any more than any other external source can validate us, fulfill us, and make us whole. Wholeness is a journey that happens from the inside out and is both an emotional and spiritual process. We must own that responsibility for ourselves and open ourselves to love from within, from our spiritual source. Then we can effectively give and receive love in our external relationships.

This client came to see that once he got clear about the issue of responsibility there were several commitments he was able to make to his wife. These are commitments to support her in her journey towards finding wholeness at her own pace, to be engaged and present in the relationship, to create a loving space for her to learn, and to not blame his wife for what she needs. Paradoxically letting go of the expectation of meeting another’s needs allows us to be instrumental in helping our partner get those needs satisfied. This may not result in what you hope for from your partner but it is worth doing anyway because in the process of keeping these commitments you will be stretched and increase your capacity to be a loving human being.

Get instant access to the map that shows you how to get from where you are to where you want to be in your marriage. Complimentary video at Dynamic Marriage Map

Is your love of power undermining the power of your love?

I heard a lecture this weekend by author Diana Butler Bass who is a scholar specializing in American religion and culture.  She talked about how the Christian church has often been so caught up in the love of power that it forgot about the power of love.  Whether is was the crusades in the 12th century or current concerns about the religious right or creeping secularism, a militant response seeks to gain power and control over others.  The power of love to change the world and transform lives is lost in the process.

I couldn’t help but think about power dynamics in relationships.  Many times, especially early in marriage we struggle for power and control.  Not that it is always intentional or conscious; rather it springs from our internal sensitivities.  We have ingrained ideas about how things are supposed to work in relationships and feel defensive when our partner challenges those ideas.  We find ourselves fighting over things like how we handle money or every day issues like who cleans the litter box.  The issues themselves often are trivial but they are connected to strong feelings and deeper agendas.  Our responses are often militant in that we insist on our own way at the expense of the other’s sense of well being.

Breaking power struggles is possible, even easy, when we shift focus from the love of power to the power of love.  In love we can learn to honor our self and our partner by speaking the truth about what we are really thinking and feeling.  For example, “it’s important to me that we save more money because I’m afraid that if we don’t we’ll end up struggling in retirement just like my parents did”.  This at least puts real information on the table and opens the door to talking about each person’s hopes, dreams, fears, and way of thinking.  Love does not insist on its own way but seeks to find solutions that work for the best of all, which cannot happen if you make it about who has power

When you find yourself in the grips of a power struggle consider these questions:

•    What am I really feeling right now?
•    Why is this issue so important to me?
•    Why is it so important to my partner?
•    In the big picture, what’s really important?
•    What do I need to learn from this situation?
•    How can I make this about love rather than power?

After all that you may be tired so go ahead and take a power nap.  You deserve it!

Get instant access to the map that shows you how to get from where you are to where you want to be in your marriage. Complimentary video at  Dynamic Marriage Map

We come into this world as a precious spirit abiding in a beautiful but fragile baby body.  We have no tools to survive in this world so we are completely vulnerable and dependent on those who care for us.  To the extent that we receive the care we need, including love, safety, and nurturing, we will grow in confidence and capabilities.  We learn to develop, nurture, and express our own spirit as we grow up and become who we are meant to be.  It is like a seed encoded with the possibilities of becoming a beautiful, fruitful tree, but the form of the mature tree depends on the conditions present to shape it in the process of maturation.  However, unlike the adult tree, we never lose the ability to create and transform ourselves as we obtain the tools and understanding of how to do so.

Our human experience does not provide all the perfect growing conditions, so we get cut and bruised, and injured.  Instinctively we protect ourselves as best we can and hide the precious spirit within from harm.  To the extent that we do not receive what we need, we lack in confidence that it is OK to express and be who we are.  Over time we forget who we are in essence and learn to compensate for the pain and fears we feel.  This sets us a pattern of seeking to fulfill ourselves through whatever seems to offer comfort and validation.  However, this will always fail because we are not designed to fulfill ourselves.  We are designed to be fulfilled in the divine spirit and to find purpose in learning, growing, experiencing, and contributing to creation in this life we are living.

Marriage and other intimate relationships offer great potential for helping us grow and transform.  However, we often suffer because we ask our partners to provide the fulfillment we are desperately seeking and they cannot.  So we get stuck in projection, blame, and resentment, because we are angry about a lifetime of not knowing how to get our needs met.  What we fail to realize is our intimate and loving relationships cannot be the source of our fulfillment but they can be the fertile environment we need to do the inner work of connecting with and expressing our true self.  In a loving relationship we can find the safety and courage to remove the layers of protection we have built around our spirit.  As a partner in a loving relationship you can experience the privilege of supporting and bearing witness to the dissolving of these fears and pains and the emergence of the essence of your loved one. There may be no higher calling than this.

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