I must admit, I was a bit nervous about the visit.  I have lived in many places as an adult. However, Seattle has a very special place in my heart as I had grown deep roots there.

When I was about to return as a visitor, the instinctual part of me that is concerned with shelter and safety got activated.

In Western science, we associate this feeling with the concept called the reptilian brain.  According to yogic science, it is the first chakra that is connected with these feelings.

Whatever your beliefs may be, any time we mess with home, food, and community, we also get an opportunity to breathe and see what is going on inside.

I realized I was experiencing a low-grade sadness.  When I envisioned myself in my old haunts as a visitor and not a resident, driving around my old neighborhood in an unfamiliar car, I felt awkward.

I also had the added uncertainty of how many loving friends would I be able to visit in the short time I had.

It was a strange feeling, on one hand there was the nostalgia that made me want to recreate my old experiences, on the other, I had the bittersweet realization that I have moved on and this was no longer ‘home’.

So, here is what I did:  I stopped fretting and set my mind to be open to a new experience with Seattle.

What that allowed was for me to actually have the feelings, without trying to repress them. I gave the situation breathing room rather than exacerbating any discomfort.  

I was interested in my feelings, instead of judging them.  The quiet observation, “That’s interesting…” is far gentler than, “What’s your problem?  Why on Earth would you be feeling strange about going someplace familiar?”

The experience made me realize that we make negativity more powerful by viewing it negatively. In short; we get emotional about being emotional!

Everyday I come across people who are stressed about being stressed, or, even uncomfortable about dealing with an uncomfortable situation at home or at work. This makes no sense, but we do it all the time and make so much more misery than the original discomfort.

Your Assignment:

Can you make an agreement with yourself to simply feel an uncomfortable feeling all the way through until it is finished?  What about refraining from judgment?  If you notice the experience in your mind and body it is easier to allow it to pass.

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Here are some of the most common reasons that people give for leaving their partners:
“I’m just not in love with him.”
“We just don’t communicate well.”
“I couldn’t be there anymore.”

Wake up! It is time for tough love: THESE ARE NOT REASONS TO LEAVE. The above are excuses tied to our culture’s WORSHIP of emotions and valuing how we feel above everything else.

Don’t get me wrong: feelings are great, however, they change in a split second! And they can be altered, all too easily. Maybe, you are feeling bored now, but you may look up and see an amazing sunset and your boredom would vanish into thin air! It might seem like a trivial example, compared to the depth of the feelings that may cause you to doubt the love you once felt. But the point is that feelings are not reliable.

If you can say that you are not in love with the person you once fell in love with, the feeling of being out of love can change too, right?

To put it another way: our ego is constantly collecting evidence to support whatever ideas will keep it “safe” in the moment. Ego is safe when there is no growth, no change, and no risk.

When we make a commitment, it is just that, a commitment to stay the course no matter what. After all it is called commitment, not convenience. This is hard to swallow for a culture that is used to disposing of things when we are displeased with them.

Love is a Decision

How about looking inside instead of blaming the other person? When there is something wrong, a disturbance in the force, we always have the opportunity to show up in a new way. We can always ask ourselves, “What am I contributing to this situation? Am I making things worse simply by taking what they are doing personally? How can I make a difference? How can I show up in love and commitment?”

In no way do I imply that one should endure abuse of any nature. What I suggest is that our relationships have become too easy to throw away. That’s tragic because real intimacy comes from weathering storms together and transcending obstacles in a team spirit. Unfortunately, by choosing to run, we have robbed ourselves of the opportunity to really connect in a way deeper than believed possible.

Yogi Bhajan said that without commitment, there was no chance for happiness. What that means to me is: if I don’t commit to something, I am caught suffering in the endless cycle of “should I or shouldn’t I?”

We aren’t trained to stay committed. We are trained to run or ditch. It is all too rare to approach all problems, even those with each other, from a team spirit. It isn’t easy, but it is possible.

Your Assignment:
Reflect on times that you really committed to something and what that did for you, your self-esteem, and your personal growth. Are you willing to stay the course even though it may be uncomfortable? Are you willing to allow love to be a decision rather than an emotion?

Do you want to learn how to approach your problems with team spirit? I always offer a FREE Get Acquainted session. Call me at 206-866-5150

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Your Assignment: Is there a way that you can be an even more divine example of commitment and humility? What sort of support do you get in that department? Are you willing to go against the common message that relationships are a commodity that is disposable?
It takes courage! I’m rooting for you!

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When we “give” from an empty tank, we are acting in a way that distracts us from experiencing life as it is in the moment. Perhaps we are denying a feeling or a circumstance. Whatever it is, it is inauthentic and really painful for all involved.

Other reasons for giving are: to manipulate others into thinking of us a certain way or to get people to give us something that we think we need and aren’t able to ask for it outright or, even sadder, don’t believe that we merit it.
Too often we contort ourselves and manipulate others in order to get attention and affection. When we are “giving” from that place, it is a business agreement, not love. We are bargaining for position or security. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE.

One major aspect of love is that you can give it without expectation or seeking reward. When was the last time that you saw an example of that? When was the last time that you gave in that way?

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:
Go to someone with the intention of just loving them up NO MATTER WHAT. Give them so much love that you can’t even believe that much exists in you! Let it flow with no concern about whether or not they receive it, what your benefits will be, or any other expectation of outcome. You are a master and can give love freely and without harming yourself.

EXTRA CREDIT: Try this with someone who really challenges you! And as always, let me know how it goes.

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Or even what is possibly going on.

Moving beyond communication, which is limited by our humanity and training, we can open up to the idea that we are always being protected and cared for we shift from victim into victor.

I love the quote by Thich Nhat Hahn, “Are you sure? Misperceptions lead to disharmony and suffering.” In other words, “what else could be going on here?”

What this means is that when someone cuts me off in traffic, it could be a divine hand making me slow down to avoid a future problem.

When someone rejects me in some way, I am protected, either from them or causing them future harm!

All annoyances could be in place, not to vex me but to provide me with what I need in this time and space to stretch me into who I am to become.

This new shift in perspective lets us all off the hook of resentment or regret and shifts our minds from an antagonistic view (“I’m getting screwed!) to altruistic (“that’s interesting!”).

Your Assignment:
Reflecting on your year or day, is there a hurt that you can raise up to a new uplifted status? Instead of making someone wrong or bad, can you see them as a guardian angel of some sort? We are all in this together, after all.

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First of all, when we use the term “boundaries,” it puts us in the position of victim and the other person as a villain.

Second, it implies that we need to have a barrier against others. This impedes the human need for connection and intimacy.

If we are constantly on the defense, we are expecting others to do us wrong, which solidifies an atmosphere of antagonistic relationships, which have become status quo.

A more uplifting approach is to take care of oneself. What that means is that people know well ahead of any mishap what your expectations or needs are. When we act in a way that is full of integrity from the onset, we set others up to win because they have all of the necessary information.

How that can appear is something like this:

“I would love to pick you up on the way. However, I need you to be on time, otherwise, I will have to leave without you.”

This simple statement, gives yourself the opportunity to serve, but on clear terms. The person can check in with himself and determine whether or not they can agree to the terms.

You may ask, “But what if they agree to the terms in word but not in deed? They agreed but were still late.”

If they are late, you get to make good on your agreement and leave. There are no surprises.

This very simple principle can be applied to all sorts of situations, even ones with higher stakes like close friends and family. Those who love you will appreciate having more information and an easier time of knowing where you stand.

Your Assignment: Is there someone in your inner circle who abuses one of your unwritten “rules” but doesn’t know it? If you are harboring some resentment, can you lovingly tell them, “I don’t think that you know this about me but, I need…” and then release your expectations of them, knowing that they will do the best they can in this time and space. Can you allow them to do what they need to do but also take care of yourself in the process?

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