This past week, I had some business to attend to in Seattle. It was my first visit back to the place I once called home since I had moved away in September.

I must admit, I was a bit nervous about the visit.  I have lived in many places as an adult. However, Seattle has a very special place in my heart as I had grown deep roots there.

When I was about to return as a visitor, the instinctual part of me that is concerned with shelter and safety got activated.

In Western science, we associate this feeling with the concept called the reptilian brain.  According to yogic science, it is the first chakra that is connected with these feelings.

Whatever your beliefs may be, any time we mess with home, food, and community, we also get an opportunity to breathe and see what is going on inside.

I realized I was experiencing a low-grade sadness.  When I envisioned myself in my old haunts as a visitor and not a resident, driving around my old neighborhood in an unfamiliar car, I felt awkward.

I also had the added uncertainty of how many loving friends would I be able to visit in the short time I had.

It was a strange feeling, on one hand there was the nostalgia that made me want to recreate my old experiences, on the other, I had the bittersweet realization that I have moved on and this was no longer ‘home’.

So, here is what I did:  I stopped fretting and set my mind to be open to a new experience with Seattle.

What that allowed was for me to actually have the feelings, without trying to repress them. I gave the situation breathing room rather than exacerbating any discomfort.  

I was interested in my feelings, instead of judging them.  The quiet observation, “That’s interesting…” is far gentler than, “What’s your problem?  Why on Earth would you be feeling strange about going someplace familiar?”

The experience made me realize that we make negativity more powerful by viewing it negatively. In short; we get emotional about being emotional!

Everyday I come across people who are stressed about being stressed, or, even uncomfortable about dealing with an uncomfortable situation at home or at work. This makes no sense, but we do it all the time and make so much more misery than the original discomfort.

Your Assignment:

Can you make an agreement with yourself to simply feel an uncomfortable feeling all the way through until it is finished?  What about refraining from judgment?  If you notice the experience in your mind and body it is easier to allow it to pass.

 

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Let’s face it; we live in a consumer culture, where there is no shortage of options and choices. Don’t like something? Get rid of it! You can always replace it with something better. Unfortunately, we have let our obsession with disposable goods leak into the realm of our relationships as well. Of course we manage to justify it by seeking refuge behind our feelings.

Here are some of the most common reasons that people give for leaving their partners:
“I’m just not in love with him.”
“We just don’t communicate well.”
“I couldn’t be there anymore.”

Wake up! It is time for tough love: THESE ARE NOT REASONS TO LEAVE. The above are excuses tied to our culture’s WORSHIP of emotions and valuing how we feel above everything else.

Don’t get me wrong: feelings are great, however, they change in a split second! And they can be altered, all too easily. Maybe, you are feeling bored now, but you may look up and see an amazing sunset and your boredom would vanish into thin air! It might seem like a trivial example, compared to the depth of the feelings that may cause you to doubt the love you once felt. But the point is that feelings are not reliable.

If you can say that you are not in love with the person you once fell in love with, the feeling of being out of love can change too, right?

To put it another way: our ego is constantly collecting evidence to support whatever ideas will keep it “safe” in the moment. Ego is safe when there is no growth, no change, and no risk.

When we make a commitment, it is just that, a commitment to stay the course no matter what. After all it is called commitment, not convenience. This is hard to swallow for a culture that is used to disposing of things when we are displeased with them.

Love is a Decision

How about looking inside instead of blaming the other person? When there is something wrong, a disturbance in the force, we always have the opportunity to show up in a new way. We can always ask ourselves, “What am I contributing to this situation? Am I making things worse simply by taking what they are doing personally? How can I make a difference? How can I show up in love and commitment?”

In no way do I imply that one should endure abuse of any nature. What I suggest is that our relationships have become too easy to throw away. That’s tragic because real intimacy comes from weathering storms together and transcending obstacles in a team spirit. Unfortunately, by choosing to run, we have robbed ourselves of the opportunity to really connect in a way deeper than believed possible.

Yogi Bhajan said that without commitment, there was no chance for happiness. What that means to me is: if I don’t commit to something, I am caught suffering in the endless cycle of “should I or shouldn’t I?”

We aren’t trained to stay committed. We are trained to run or ditch. It is all too rare to approach all problems, even those with each other, from a team spirit. It isn’t easy, but it is possible.

Your Assignment:
Reflect on times that you really committed to something and what that did for you, your self-esteem, and your personal growth. Are you willing to stay the course even though it may be uncomfortable? Are you willing to allow love to be a decision rather than an emotion?

Do you want to learn how to approach your problems with team spirit? I always offer a FREE Get Acquainted session. Call me at 206-866-5150

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We are very poorly trained in this culture in the ways of relating. The celebrity world is an even more cuckoo romantic playing field. I remember when I heard that Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married in a grand style in India. I thought, wow, how exotic, what great press, and I hope that [...]

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We are very poorly trained in this culture in the ways of relating. The celebrity world is an even more cuckoo romantic playing field.
I remember when I heard that Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married in a grand style in India. I thought, wow, how exotic, what great press, and I hope that they make it.
I felt a bit encouraged since I saw press about Russell being a daily meditation practitioner, too.
Any meditation practitioner will tell you that daily practice does not exempt one from our foibles. In fact, it sometimes seem to exacerbate them!
As one spiritual teacher told me years ago, “You will never rise above human and you will have moments that are unspiritual. I know that is annoying, but meditation does not absolve you from humanity.”
I was annoyed, but also took this as a challenge to dive deeper into my foibles or my shadow and learn how to work with it.
This is not a common approach. Even less so in Hollywood. I am sorry that I didn’t get to speak with Katy and Russell before their divorce proceedings. If I had a chance to sit down with them while they were still together, here are a few things that I would say, not from a sanctimonious position, but out of service. I am so grateful that these revolutionary ideas were imparted to me:
1. It is called commitment, not convenience.
2. Know why you are getting married.
3. It takes work, mostly when you least want to work on it.
4. It is not about you. It is about the third entity; the relationship.
These are very simplistic guidelines that need further explanation. However, these have become catch phrases that I use to remind my clients and myself.

Your Assignment: Is there a way that you can be an even more divine example of commitment and humility? What sort of support do you get in that department? Are you willing to go against the common message that relationships are a commodity that is disposable?
It takes courage! I’m rooting for you!

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Too often we are acting under the guise of giving of ourselves when really, it is a tool of distraction. We “give” to others in order to control them or the situation. When we “give” from an empty tank, we are acting in a way that distracts us from experiencing life as it [...]

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Too often we are acting under the guise of giving of ourselves when really, it is a tool of distraction. We “give” to others in order to control them or the situation.

When we “give” from an empty tank, we are acting in a way that distracts us from experiencing life as it is in the moment. Perhaps we are denying a feeling or a circumstance. Whatever it is, it is inauthentic and really painful for all involved.

Other reasons for giving are: to manipulate others into thinking of us a certain way or to get people to give us something that we think we need and aren’t able to ask for it outright or, even sadder, don’t believe that we merit it.
Too often we contort ourselves and manipulate others in order to get attention and affection. When we are “giving” from that place, it is a business agreement, not love. We are bargaining for position or security. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE.

One major aspect of love is that you can give it without expectation or seeking reward. When was the last time that you saw an example of that? When was the last time that you gave in that way?

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:
Go to someone with the intention of just loving them up NO MATTER WHAT. Give them so much love that you can’t even believe that much exists in you! Let it flow with no concern about whether or not they receive it, what your benefits will be, or any other expectation of outcome. You are a master and can give love freely and without harming yourself.

EXTRA CREDIT: Try this with someone who really challenges you! And as always, let me know how it goes.

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