One of the gifts of growing, developing and maturing is that what we feel upset about in someone else’s behavior or choice we have done (or can identify with at least in part) ourselves. At a certain point in life we recognize that we have been the patient one and the impatient one, the success and the failure, the honest one and the prevaricator, the rescued and the rescuer, the betrayed and the betrayer. Because we have danced with duality, we have a greater opportunity to move beyond or transcend these temporary identities.
In my life coaching practice, to help people move through duality I will often have them write a “blame letter”. Because life coaching deals with existential issues rather than serious trauma or abuse, the content is of a somewhat benign nature. For example, maybe my client feels angry at a friend for not following through, maybe she had a break-up that ended with frustration and anger or maybe she feels hurt by a betrayal that has come to light. After the emotional and heartfelt letter is written, we will go back and cross out the person’s name and add “I”. The idea is to identify with that which feels unacceptable in order to release it.
Some people may wonder, “Why in the world would I want to own something unpleasant that I didn’t do?” I would offer that in order to overcome duality we need to dance with it. Through embracing paradox we can often transcend it.
Many of us will relate to being on our high horse in opposition to something and then later acting it out. We may even have forgotten that we have done nearly the same thing in the past! Very humbling! As we begin to self actualize, we may choose to “walk the middle way” in life and thoughtfully observe our manifestations and projections rather than react to them or act them out.
It is true that when people have very rigid and judgmental views they tend to act out the very thing they rail against. This is what Dr. Carl Jung would refer to as shadow manifestation. It is almost as if the hypocrite’s psyche is trying to heal itself of the fixation through its acting out. In fact, Jung said, “All neurosis is an attempt to heal the self.”
It is always interesting to see what the popular culture is fixated on and how those topics seem to be our collective culture’s shadow. Whether it is New York governor Elliot Spitzer or pop culture icon Britney Spears, we can see clearly the dance of duality. Rather than be in judgment, we can take a moment to see these instances as magnified or exaggerated examples of dances with our own duality. If we are consciously working through our own duality we might be brave enough to say, “I am that”.
(c) 2008 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
Healthy boundaries keep good in and bad out. Please take a moment and think about how you’d like to create or soften boundaries in your life.
Some people have very rigid boundaries which keep others at bay. Others have very little in the way of boundaries. These people may be taken advantage of because they have no or very little boundary protection.
Because as women we are socialized to be nice, ladylike and polite, expectations about being a good girl may override our internal sense that our boundaries are being violated. For example, we may get into an elevator with someone we feel uncomfortable with because we don’t want to be rude. What security and defense experts urge us to do is to be aware of and honor our feelings in these situations, even if they seem rude or irrational. Let’s not rationalize away that internal signal that tells us something is wrong or unsafe, this signal is there to protect us. If we feel our energies pulling back in a situation, we may want to quickly check into our bodies for some immediate awareness regarding whether or not we are in danger (emotionally and/or physically).
In the book Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life by Jan Black and Greg Enns they write “The three purposes of boundaries are: 1)To protect you 2) To preserve you and 3) To present you. [...] Your personal boundary system lets others know who you are, what you want, and what you can give.”
Those of us with rigid boundaries may want to examine how we might soften our boundaries, making them more permeable. It may be helpful to examine our personal history to understand why we may have developed this rigidity and how these rigid boundaries may actually be hindering us in relationships now. We can always choose a new way to relate to others.
video on boundaries & communication: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTGLohIXsSs
(c) 2012 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
I was born in August of 1965 in the sweltering heat of Opelika, Alabama. Perhaps surprisingly, the year 1965 and the state of Alabama were to be auspicious for The Civil Rights Movement.
In 1965, the Selma, Alabama to Montgomery, Alabama marches were comprised of three marches that marked the peak of the United States Civil Rights Movement. Many prominent leaders were involved in these marches, which were born from the voting rights movement, including Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Hosea Williams.
About 13 years ago, I made the pilgrimage with my mother to the Martin Luther King, Jr. death site and now museum in Memphis, Tennessee. My mother and I were engaged in conversation when we looked up to see that we had pulled into the Lorraine Hotel parking lot and were both instantly transported when we gazed upon the second floor hotel railing and could easily visualize the iconic image from 1968 with the three men pointing in the direction of the gunshots that killed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.. Minutes later, I actually stood on the balcony where Dr King, was shot and killed. I could still feel the intense energy of purpose and the reverberation of the man who once had a dream for all of us to live in peace and harmony.
When we contemplate the almost unimaginable courage it took for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to give the famous “I Have A Dream” speech it leaves every last one of us moved. Acknowledging the set backs and trials and tribulations of the movement, he implored us:
“I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”
Let us open our hearts to each other, especially to those in need of compassion and service as we celebrate MLK Day.
To watch the speech: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk
Breathe by Anna Nalick
“2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason.”
After a major transition in my life, and I’ve noticed in my mid-forties there are a few of these transitions in life, I decided, on a whim, to get on a plane and go to Australia. Because it was an impulse decision, none of my friends were available to go with me so I just decided to go by myself. It was a journey half way around the world from my native California. I’ve always been compelled, much like what Eleanor Roosevelt once said to “do the thing that scares you.” Further, if I am having a challenging time I always like to do something that will offer me a new perspective.
After landing in Sydney and enjoying the goings on there in the capitol city of New South Wales, I got on another plane and headed for Cairns, Queensland in the far north of Australia, nearly 2000 miles away. Fortuitously for me, the pilots invited me to sit with them in the cockpit (pre-9/11 of course) as they regaled me with lore from the Queensland jungle.
Quickly following my disembarking I decided to scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef. I had never scuba dived before, but it seemed like the thing to do. The Great Barrier Reef is the world’s largest reef system and is composed over 2,900 reefs (wiki). Of course it is also famous for being one of the seven natural wonders of the world. I settle into my hostel, found a resort’s course that would allow me to dive after a 30 minute or so tutorial right on the boat and my new roomie, who was visting from Brisbane in the south, generously made me a Vegemite sandwich to take with me. She drove me to the dock and soon the instructor gave me the moniker “Little California” because the crew had a hard time locating a wet suit small enough to fit me.
At the end of the 30 minute overview, nearly all of my fellow newbies, about 15 people, decided not to scuba the reef. As it turned out, when it came down to it, they were afraid of breathing with the respirator. The Canadian girl to the left of me had a panic attack as she tried the respirator and the Irishman to the right of me sucked so hard on his respirator he nearly hyperventilated.
I too, seeing my mates go down like a house of cards, felt scared. However, I didn’t want do go back home not having had this experience. In a decidedly compulsive fashion I kept telling myself, “Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.”
The remaining group partnered up and because I did not have a partner, naturally, my partner was the instructor. We held hands and swam around like the characters from the Blue Lagoon movie. We gave each other lots of enthusiastic “thumbs up” and happy exaggerated gestures. Even when we swam through a group of little sharks, I felt at peace and trusting of the experience. I knew as long as I kept gently and rhythmically breathing, I’d be okay.
Many times during my life I have remembered this sweet experience. Once I decided to breathe easily and calmly, much of the rest fell into place. A great deal of possible worries transformed into effortless flow. As in the first chapter of my Alma Answers e-course and in almost all spiritual traditions and cultural narratives, we begin with the breath.
(c) 2012 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
It was about 15 years ago that I was first introduced to the Hindu deity Ganesh. As it turned out, my across the street neighbor in New Jersey came over to apologize for her son who had dented my garage door with a baseball. Although I had lived there for several years, we had never spoken to each other. Within five minutes of speaking, however, we found out that we were both born on the same month on the same date and even in the same year (albeit she in Bangalore, India and myself in Opelika, Alabama). This bit of coincidental information began a wonderful friendship.
Lucky for me, I became the frequent beneficiary of Amita’s mouth watering Indian dishes. I was amazed at her garage full of imported aromatic spices, quite a departure from warming up frozen meals in the microwave! Amita and I would be playful and laugh about the intersection of our two cultures. When she told me that her husband was from the highest caste in Indian and her caste was one below, I reminded her that she could date and marry anyone she wanted because she was hot stuff.
I had always been interested in Hinduism, which is Amita’s religion, but I often felt confused by the many nuances, social structures and references that comprised this ancient religion. I was very blessed to have Amita to ask questions of and who was in appreciation of my interest. One day I noticed a statue of an elephant in Amita’s front garden. I had seen this representation before, but was unfamiliar with its meaning.
The elephant deity Ganesh is the great remover of obstacles. When we are feeling trapped by our circumstances, we might choose to call on Ganesh as a symbol of inspiration. Ganesh is often portrayed as dancing or enjoying day to day life activities. Ganesh reminds us that we won’t be able to move beyond our circumstances if we are weighed down by the heaviness of our day to day burdens. Ganesh’s playful appearance reminds us that if we would like to remove obstacles in our life we must step into an expanded and hopeful consciousness to absorb and move beyond our life challenges.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) reminds us that miracles can change physical laws. Miracles, according to ACIM, are shifts in perceptions. Perhaps a representation of Ganesh in our life can help us to remember that shifts in awareness are always possible and available to us. My friend Lauren has a statue of Ganesh is her kitchen behind the sink. Ganesh is always there for her to offer encouragement.
ACIM also offers, “There is no order of difficulty in miracles.” While this idea may be challenging for us to get our minds around, I find it to be very empowering. The idea is that If you can shift your mind about anything, for example, forgiving someone who has been unkind to you, it is just as possible (no more difficult) to heal illness, to eradicate poverty, to stop hatred, racism or war. Some people may feel this to be a naïve perspective, however, many will give testament to the validity of this law.
Next time find we are feeling trapped by life, perhaps collectively we can look to Ganesh to remind us of our Divine truth.
(c) 2011 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle Philo of Alexandria
When I was in my early 20s, a bright eyed and eager social worker just out of college, I took a job in a skilled nursing facility. The nursing facility took patients from its nearby mother hospital who had long term care needs. The job was previously held by two mastered leveled social workers but had been narrowed to one when they couldn’t get along with each other. Unbeknownst to me, the facility was in economic straits, they saw energetic, bubbly me coming from a mile away.
This was not my first social work job, I had worked in a community child abuse center and had done other volunteer work. However, this was my first job dealing intensely with death and dying and its consequent suffering to date. Clearly, many patients were there to die. We served every walk of life including prostitutes, the chronically drug addicted (mostly long time heroin users) and the homeless. Although completely mired down in psychosocial assessments, I made it a point to do rounds everyday.
Many days I would get calls from patients who were dying and the most I could do was literally run upstairs, dressed in a white medical coat and be with them as they died. One woman I remembered so well struggled for months before she died with unrelenting bitterness and a deep desire to forgive. We talked and talked about the power of forgiveness. Although I was young and green, the gravity of the healing process was not lost on me.
Because the facility was near gang territory, it wasn’t unusual for us to hear gun shots being fired. One day we admitted a young man, about my age, to the facility. He was a John Doe who had been dropped off at the entrance of the mother hospital two weeks previously by his fellow gang members. He had been beaten in the head with a baseball bat. Hauntingly, even two weeks after the attack, no one came to claim him. Somehow, it became my job to see if I could find out who he belonged to and where he was from. He wore nothing but a diaper as I checked his body for tell tale tattoos which might give more information. I knew that a young man my age would be mortified to have a young woman see him in a diaper. I sat in his hospital room staring blankly at him for hours wondering how someone could be discarded without anyone to mourn him. We never did find out who he was. He died after his second day with us.
As I contemplate this young man and so many others who I’ve worked with over 25 years, the developmentally challenged, the abused, the elderly, the chronically drug addicted, the incarcerated, decades later, I wonder about alleviating suffering, both existential and “naked” (chronic or abiding).
As a teenager, I started off working in classrooms and later parlayed my experience with children into child abuse focused social work because I wanted to work with problems of suffering in what seemed to be a more direct way. I later pursued life coaching because social work seemed to take place only as an adjunct to the big institutions (the church, the school system, the welfare system, etc..). It seemed to me those institutions with their red tape, mind numbing bureaucracy and lack of belief in the value of the individual seemed to cause as much, and at times, more problems than were there in the first place. Presently, it seems life coaching gives me an opportunity to help clients utilize all of their natural strengths, use tried and true tools or philosophies such as positive psychology, personality measures and hypnosis and even the clients own spiritual perspectives to ameliorate existential suffering.
However, as someone who wrote her dissertation on suffering, I am often haunted by whether or not I am doing enough to ameliorate it. Certainly, life coaching is not associated with deep suffering. That is psychotherapy’s domain. However, I once read a story whose origins I don’t remember, about a therapist who traveled to a war ravaged country. She felt inadequate to deal with such depth of suffering. To her surprise, a majority of her client’s angst had to do with the same things she dealt with her clientele back at home: romantic challenges, self loathing and feelings of alienation.
After contemplating over two decades in people helping professions, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion. We can all strive to help that person in front of us, whomever that might be. It is obvious that some people are suffering and we can and should do what we can. But it was Henry David Thoreau who acknowledged that “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Certainly, it is important to help all who suffer and surely that is most of us. Mother Teresa offered “We cannot do great things on this earth, only small things with great love.”
Some people ask me why I would sponsor children from other countries (presently I sponsor children from India and Ecuador) when there are children that are impoverished in the United States. My response is that to me it doesn’t matter where kids are from, they just happen to assign me those children. I try to serve who shows up including those who I become aware of in seemingly random ways.
I am so moved by Father Gregory Boyle who started Homeboy Industries. He didn’t speak Spanish when he started working with gang members from Boyle Heights, California, but he showed up for them. Initially, when he was assigned to that parish, he felt hugely inadequate but he has brought untold healing to that community. Just like Father Gregory, right here, right now, may be the place you can do the most good in alleviating suffering.
(c) 2011 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
