Bad habits are hard to break. I’m in a relationship that is possibly the most challenging relationship I’ve ever had in my life.  When I reconstructed my “Perfect Man for Me” list, I changed a few things around and was highly pleased with my new list. I felt strongly that the next time I linked with someone romantically I would have a different, better experience. Well, I have definitely had a different experience, whether or not it’s better is relative. What I can say with complete and utter honesty is that it has been the most challenging relationship experience I’ve had thus far. Now, of course, how I choose to look at it is what will make all the difference and ultimately determine our success or…failure. I’m hesitant to use the term “failure” simply because if we view relationships as the learning opportunities that they truly are, there is no such thing as a failure.  Great concept in a perfect world without ego right? Ha!  Nonetheless, the fact is I’ve gotten exactly what I asked for.  I wanted an alpha male. And I got one. Boy oh boy have I ever! In fact, he is ALL alpha male.  Ouch!  And that’s where many of our challenges lie.

I had become fed up with men who wouldn’t take the lead or waited for directions that I believed the answer was the antithesis of that.  And so I fashioned my list for a man who possessed qualities more in alignment with what I desired.  What I didn’t focus on was a balance. The concept of balance in a relationship is another blog topic altogether.

As I stated early, the success of our relationship ultimately boils down to choice. I can choose to view it as a negative issue or I can take this opportunity to learn more about myself and how I navigate in challenging situations.  And even with though his male machismo proves difficult at times he does embody the other qualities I have on my list. He’s kind, generous, puts family first and possesses the where-with-all and commitment that makes me safe.  He truly is a GOOD guy.

I know that you can’t go into a relationship expecting people to change or, heaven forbid, trying to make them change. And that is not my desire. I choose to focus on the good, make wonderful memories and let it ride.  I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I plan to enjoy him and us for as long as I can.  And…maybe… revise my list, just a little, again. You never know. Perhaps the spirit of the list will rest upon his shoulders one day.

Cynt Roberson
http://emittinglove.wordpress.com

Euphoria. That’s what it is.  That feeling you get when you realize that…wow…I’m home.  And that feeling of euphoria has you soaring. You feel energized, safe, beautiful…and you’re full.  Full of hope. Full of life.  Full of love. Filled with love.  And nothing, absolutely nothing, could change that feeling.  So you drop your defenses and let go because it feels right and it feels good.  But most of all, it feels different this time.  There’s no fear.  Wait.  There are no lies. Wait… There’s transparency. No…wait… Until…POOF!  In the blink of an eye, it’s gone.  And you’re left wondering…well…I thought…but he said….  What… just happened?

Yeah…euphoria is nice when you’re loving and agreeing.  But you’re debating and disagreeing, euphoria takes a back seat to ego.  Words are said that shouldn’t be.  Confidences are broken.  Secrets are hurled in faces and they slam against your cheeks like cement bricks.  Mmm…the pain.  Not Him…  And despite your best efforts to remain calm, you feel the volcano bubbling.  You feel the red, hot, steaming lava churning and slowly making it’s way up from the fiery pit in your belly.  Not Him… And before you know it, you’ve become a willing participant in unloving foolishness.  And you want to walk away but…Did he just say?  And you know you both are better than this low-vibrational display of negativity but…Oh really?! So that’s how you really feel? And you know with every unloving word that you spew, your Euphoria is getting more distant and more unreachable, but…He just said he doesn’t give a damn about me!  And that may not have been what he said, but that’s what you heard.

How do we go from Euphoria to verbal stompings in mere nanoseconds?  What is it about our egos that won’t allow us to just simply pause long enough to listen? Why can’t we take a break to consider if our words really, truly honor the person and the relationship?  Or…do we not care to honor them to begin with?  I often wonder how many relationships could be saved if folks just took a second to check in with their feelings and ask themselves, is this real?  Why do we allow such hurtful words to pass our lips and into the ears of people we claim to love and care for?  Or…are those just words?  So one has to wonder.  What part is real?  Which words do I believe?  If a person says that they care about you and they can’t imagine life without you, but then says “Delete me!”, because you had a disagreement, you think to yourself “Wow… that was easy for you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are really confused about love.  I believe it even more now.  We’re walking around here falling, jumping, diving into love and we don’t even know how to swim.  We’re ill-equipped to stay above water.  And many of us can’t even float!  But instead of taking lessons, we decide we’re just not going to get in the water ever again.  Because although it was refreshing and exuberant and it felt oh so good, we’d just rather not have the experience because it was a little scary, we got hurt a bit and well…it didn’t always feel so good.  Ha!  It never even occurs to us to just go take some damn lessons!  What is wrong with us?!  How do we not properly prepare for the thing most of us say we want most?  Look around, we don’t know how to love one another.  One argument ends a potentially beautiful relationship.  We refuse to listen to each other.  Hell, we can’t even call each other out on our stuff without jeopardizing the relationship.  And that’s what we’re in each other lives to do!!!!  I don’t have all the answers, but I will share what I do know about love and relating.

1. FIGHT FAIR!  Always. This is non-negotiable.  Don’t bring up old issues.  Don’t hit below the belt.  Don’t use the relationship status as a defense (ex: You’re not my girlfriend!).

2. BE RESPECTFUL! Why do we have the tendency to take arguments to a place they don’t need to go.  There’s never any justifiable reason to disrespect someone you care about with harsh words.  Never. Unless…you don’t really care about them.

3. HONOR YOURSELF! We’re all working hard at becoming our ideal selves.  And we’ve done so much work already. Don’t negate all of your hard work by reverting, or resorting, to old behaviors.  We do this out of fear, because we haven’t yet mastered the new ways of relating.  The only way we master the new ways of relating is by practicing.  We must practice.  If you’re constantly being challenged and you consistently respond with your old ways of relating, you will continue to be challenged until you get it right.  (BOOM! This is a light bulb moment for me!)

I don’t profess to have all the answers.  And I will never claim to be perfect.  I am still working on me, but I am WORKING.  We must do the work. We have to do the work.  Love is far too important for us to continue giving it these shoddy ass trials.  Let’s get back to Love People!  Smooches!

Cynt Roberson
http://emittinglove.wordpress.com

I have no idea why or exactly when it happened, but one day I sat at my computer to type a new blog post and nothing came out. I brainstormed, doodled, and looked through my list of possible topics all to no avail.  Nothing came.  There was no sign of an impending epiphany nor was there a recollection of thoughts that I needed desperately to express.  I had simply lost my words.  Part of my dilemma involved the theme of this blog. I discovered that I had more to say about other issues besides love.  Unfortunately for me and perhaps my ego, I didn’t feel comfortable stepping beyond the love theme and into new territory.  I actually felt guilty about wanting to explore other topics and ideas. And then there was the issue of exactly what would be the purpose of the blog if it wasn’t about love.  So… I became stuck, not knowing how to proceed where I was and too confused and afraid to move beyond the familiar.

Finally, I realized that the only box I was in was the one I created for myself.  This imaginary box was wreaking havoc on my creative spirit and, quite frantically, it began to tick me off.  So I’ve decided, whatever comes out once I sit at the computer is what comes out.  I’m stepping outside of the confining box and into a sea of creative wonderment.  The problem I faced was instead of allowing spirit to drive my creative expression, I was attempting to use solely my intellect.  What a huge folly on my part, but easy enough to correct.  After much meditation and a slow reentry back into the world of words, I decided wherever spirit guides me is what I shall explore.  No more time consuming and senseless second guessing.

And so I realized that this is a common predicament for many people. Not just in terms of writing but in relationships, careers, health etc.  We often find ourselves stagnate, afraid to move in one direction or another because we’ve become complacent, comfortable.  And so instead of moving, embracing change and stepping past the fear, we shut down and become unproductive.  We cease to grow and thrive and even when we so desperately want to move, we simply can’t find the strength (or the words) to do so.  However, we know we can’t continue to ignore the embers of goals and desires.  And pretty soon they become uncontrollable, red hot burning fires that cannot be contained.  They become bigger than our fears.  Bigger than our confusion.  Bigger than our complacency.  And we can no longer ignore what we were meant to do…destined to become.

And so, I’ve found my words again.  I’ve found my voice.  And although it’s a bit shaky and weak and in dire need of plenty of exercise, it is here.

Cynt Roberson
http://emittinglove.wordpress.com

Queen Esther, from the Bible, was one of the baddest women in the Bible as far as I’m concerned. According to the story, she was very beautiful, but that’s now what makes her the bomb in my eyes. It was her inner beauty. The inner magic of her heart.  She must have been one fierce lady because not only did she gain favor with the attendant of the maidens, but she eventually captured the heart of the king. So much so, in fact, he was prepared to grant her every wish. No matter your religious beliefs, there is a lesson in this story for all women. We can all learn a thing or two from Queen Esther.

A couple of years ago,  my bestie and I were enjoying the evening at a well-known Korean Bath House in Atlanta. As we were being scrubbed, steamed, and pampered she mentioned how what we were doing reminded her of Queen Esther. I asked her how so and she began to explain how Esther prepared physically for the King. Beauty treatments, myrrh and cinnamon oils abound, and a consistent beauty regimen for 12 months were a part of her intense preparation. When she mentioned this I thought, YES!  We are definitely getting ready. I started calling us “Esther’s Girls”  and even made a body butter with the same title.  And while the preparation continues, recently I understood the need to include a component previously overlooked.

While some may like to focus on Esther’s physical beauty as the means by which she captured the king’s heart, the truth is- there were hundreds of beautiful women made available to him. What set Esther apart from the rest? After his experience with Vashti, the king knew better than to simply rely on looks. There had to be more to his next queen…more substance. So what was it about Esther, other than her looks, that made the king fall deeply in love with her? …It was her heart.

As single women, often times we forget that internal work is far more important than the external work. And rightly so, because our society tends to place such an emphasis on outward beauty that we often overlook or simply repress the internal issues that often keep us in a perpetual state of singledom. Looking like a queen on the outside, but being emotionally and spiritually unattractive negates the external beauty.  And ultimately, internal beauty is far more reliable and sustainable than external.

Therefore, I am on a mission to recruit Esther’s Girls. Women who are queens preparing for their kings. We’re not just sitting and waiting. We’re not sad and forlorn. We’re not male bashing nor are we ultra independent with the belief that we don’t need men. We are actively working on ourselves, learning, growing and evolving.  We believe in and understand the importance of partnership and building our family. And while we are powerful alone, we accept that that power is magnified when partnered with our king. We are all about love and loving. With God’s love as the foundation, we focus on loving ourselves completely and unconditionally so that we can then emit that same kind of love to others. For we know, Love is the answer.

Here’s to Queen Esther!

Cynt Roberson
http://emittinglove.wordpress.com

I am ready for love…all the joy and the pain. I’ve found that people talk a real good game. And I, never one to shut my ears to a good story,  love listening to their stories about how good they love and how ready they are to be loved and loving. Their words mesmerize me and I find myself silently, internally recording each and every one. So when I see behaviors that don’t correlate with the words I recorded I like to call attention to this contradiction. Not to prove anyone wrong, but to clarify what the wants and desires ACTUALLY are…not just what they think sounds good. Getting ready and being ready for love takes work.  It is, indeed, a never ending process.  It’s one thing to think you’re ready while you’re single with no one in your space to challenge your behaviors, reactions and your thoughts. However, the dynamic changes significantly when you partner with another person. Any and all relationships pose a variety of challenges, but romantic partnerships are the most challenging of all. They can be amazingly frustrating, disappointing, joyous, peaceful, contentious, loving, and so many other colorful adjectives.  All of which can be experienced over a period time as the relationship ebbs and flows or sometimes all at once. Our responses demonstrate whether or not we are truly ready for love.

This isn’t going to be a lengthy post, because there is no need for it to be. As a student of love, I continue to grow and learn so much about myself and relating in love. All that I learn I feel compelled to share with others so that we can get back to love and loving – the ultimate experience. My wish is to master love.  And although, I’m not sure if that can be done, but I’m looking forward to trying my absolute best to accomplish this feat. In order to know if we’re truly ready for love, according to Leo Buscaglia, my love teacher, we must be willing to let go certain things:

The need to always be right.
The need to be first in everything.
The need to be constantly in control.
The need to be perfect. (Or expect perfection)
The need to be loved by everyone.
The need to possess. (We don’t own anyone!)
The need to be free of conflict and frustration.
The need to change others for our needs.
The need to manipulate.
The need to blame.
The need to dominate.

If after reading the list you can admit that you’re not ready to give those things up, ALL of them, then you’re not truly ready for love. All of the characteristics above are destructive to loving relationships. However, if you read the list and know that you are willing to let go of the destructive behaviors and you’re ready to do what’s necessary to bring more love into your life then begin by practicing the following:

Know yourself.
Get rid of petty irritants.
Be spontaneous and bring delight to your partner.
Be thoughtful.
Fight the urge to dominate and/or change.
Take responsibility for your own happiness. Remember it’s no one’s job to make you happy.
Be a friend.
Add rituals and traditions to the relationship. Use those from your family or make up new ones together.
Share your hopes and dreams.
Be courageous.

One that I would like to personally add is Explore touch and intimacy regularly. As humans, we NEED touch. It is healing. And since relationships are living things, touch and intimacy provide the nurturing and care necessary to grow all relationships and promote them to thrive.

I’m truly, implicitly, beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt ready for love. Are you? Let’s get back to love Beautiful People. Smooches!

Cynt Roberson
http://emittinglove.wordpress.com

I love to people watch. There’s so much you can learn from people just by watching, paying attention to their gestures, facial expressions, tone, interactions with others…. I notice the guy who waits to hold the door open for the women behind him. And how his jaw tenses when they don’t acknowledge his subtle, yet polite, gesture.  I take note of the lady sitting in the car next to me having a heated discussion with either her man or her kids. And my heart goes out to her because I see the look of pain and frustration on her face. I can’t help but wonder if the person on the opposite end could see her face perhaps that would put an end to the argument. However, I’ve realized that, sometimes, even when people know they’re hurting another person they simply don’t/can’t/won’t change their behavior.

The hook to Drake’s new song, “Marvin’s Room”, conveys the exact mood that I wanted to create in this post. What prevents us from loving others in a way that makes them feel good? And the answer comes back to one simple concept. Simple in terms only as it seems that so many of us have yet to internalize what the concept actually means. Self-love. When you have love for one’s self there is no desire or want to see another person in pain. About a month ago, my feelings were hurt from an experience I never thought I’d have. Someone spoke to me in a way that I interpreted as mean and insensitive. I could have been that lady in the car, frustrated and in pain because someone I loved wasn’t listening to me and in fact, was throwing me away as if I never mattered to them all. It was far too easy I said to myself. Their feelings couldn’t have been true because we wouldn’t be here if they were. There’s no way this is love.  It took me a couple of days to move from that hurtful place back into my heart space, but when I did I realized that this person is my mirror. And I had to ask myself, how do I show others that I love and care about them? But the real trick was to ask myself this question about the people I know aren’t leaving.

It’s funny that we often neglect to behave lovingly towards people who we know aren’t going anywhere. Our children, our parents, and other family members often don’t get the opportunity to see how loving we can be. No, we reserve that for people who can either accept or reject our loving at their whim and according to their own set of beliefs about love. I’m just sayin…you can do better.

This is the “T”. When we love ourselves, when we act lovingly towards ourselves we don’t reserve a special kind of loving for any one person. We don’t wait for a significant other to go own a beach vacation, have a candlelit dinner or enjoy flowers and champagne. When we are masters at the art of loving ourselves, it doesn’t matter when someone rejects our loving because our love for self is more than enough and we know that there are plenty of people who want to be loved. Loving ourselves means that there are no broken hearts, just lessons. It means that we aren’t saving our love because it’s overflowing and, therefore, cannot be contained. Our hearts aren’t hardened with resentment and lack of forgiveness. Those emotions are fleeting ideals that our self-love obliterates.

So I told myself that I will do better. I will love those in my space better. I will love myself  better. I will focus on being in a relationship with God and self.  I can definitely do better than what I’ve done in the past. I’m not saving my love for any one person in particular, I’m sharing it with everyone in general. And when it’s time for me to take that leap again, I’ll know that I’m going to do better because I already have.  Smooches!

Cynt Roberson
http://emittinglove.wordpress.com