Blogs posted by
Pro-Child divorced parenting requires you to start anew with yourself: dropping the story of ‘what happened’ and being open to the possibility of a new way. By not bringing that story into your child’s present moment, you are able to focus on the heart of your child instead of remaining focused on the trappings of your failed relationship with your ex. When I ask parents (and when I asked myself), “Are you ready to create a new moment for your child - one filled with love, compassion, and peace?” - they say (I said), “Yes.”
But when the next question of “how” is weighed, the answer isn’t as sure: “Are you ready to give up the story that led you to this point in relationship with your ex?”
While most parents do not articulate a direct answer of “no”, the “no” resounds through actions. Continual confrontation with the ex, contentious divorce, dramatics, and courtroom antics swirl around the children as a parent clutches on to the story of “I was wronged.” It contradicts the soul to drop the story while still craving recognition for the pain endured, the torment felt, or the heartbreak unconsoled. You can’t be still and seek at the same time.
One of these motivators will win, and until you are at peace in dropping the story, the contentious loops will continue to play out. The child will continue to wait, feeling the effects.
So even though I knew that I wanted a better way for my child, a way that is filled with compassion, thoughtfulness, and love - and even though I was able to extend this peace to so many others and in so many situations, why is it that I stumbled when dealing with my ex? Why is it that I and so many other warring parents choose to continue down a path away from what is desired for the children?
I ask, “What is so scary about giving up the story? What could possibly happen that could be so bad?”
For me, I was afraid that if I gave up the story - the story of why I was in a divorce - I would be denying the pain, the hurt, the injustice, and the years of anguish. I didn’t want the details - and there were so many details - to slip away into insignificant nothingness. I was wronged and my story comforted me. To me, being open to the new relationship with my ex as a divorced parent contained this thorn which halted my ability to focus on my child.
Giving up the story - whether it’s the story of an abusive marriage, the story of a traumatic childhood, or the story of loss - can be terrifying. It takes real bravery to ask yourself, “What would happen if I gave up my story?” and then to start contemplating the effects.
I’ve seen parents trapped for years, for their child’s entire school experience, caught in the paralyzing grip of the looping story. These parents move from the story of the failed relationship to the story of the failed divorce.
In listing the many, many fearful things that could happen in giving up the story there is one antidote: validation. In being validated, the need to be heard fades away.
While wrestling with my fear of letting go of the story, I would imagine my ex listening to me and apologizing for the wrongs. He would say how sorry he was for each detail that hit again and again as the failed years ticked on. With him finally hearing my story, and receiving my pain, I would imagine the relief I would feel. With this validation I could lay my burden down.
But he didn’t ask, and he didn’t hear, and he would never understand. I would likely never receive this acknowledgment from my ex. How about your ex, is your ex ready to take away your heavy story?
I didn’t think so.
When I really allowed myself to understand that THIS is what I wanted: understanding and an apology from my ex; and, I faced the reality that it wasn’t going to happen, something shifted. I realized that what I wanted was for my ex to do something, and the failing to do that something was causing my suffering. Forget that! After standing on my own two feet and going through the difficult steps of a divorce, I was no further than I was the day before the life-changing decision: I was placing my happiness and my suffering in the hands of another person.
In realizing that your ex won’t be coming today with a heart of understanding, how long are you willing to hold your story of suffering? Another day? Another birthday for your child? Your child’s whole life?
Once awake as to why my story kept me from creating a new way for my child, it was surprisingly easy to drop it. With gentleness and with grace, I realized that I didn’t need my ex’s acknowledgment for my suffering to be real. I knew. I knew what I went through. I knew what transpired behind those walls. And just as my ex could never take that experience away from me, I didn’t need my ex to validate that it really happened. It did happen, with outside acknowledgment or without it. I, after holding the hurt for too long, validated the experience for myself in sweet tenderness.
I gave myself permission to acknowledge the validity of my own story. And once known - deeply, truly known and felt in my soul - I didn’t need anyone, including my ex - to hear me.
I dropped my story. And in that space, a new way emerged. I was now able to begin life anew focused on my child in mindful divorced parenting.
So when I hear parents desperately trying to tell me the story of a failed relationship and a failed divorce, I understand. I understand that they really want to be heard and I listen. But in time, they will come to understand that the validation that they seek comes from within. In a moment of swift grace, they too will be open to a new way of being within divorce, allowing the focus to shift to their child.
Till then the questions remains, “Are you ready to create a new moment for your child?” and to do that, “Are you ready to give up the story?”
————-
Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of mindful divorced parenting through her intuition, discernment, and experience. www.TheProChildWay.com
 |
|
Today I watched as my teen daughter walked away from me, towards the taking of a college entrance exam. Prior to her departing, I said, “Do you remember where you are to go?” I went over the instructions one more time, assuring her that this was something that she was prepared to do. Her eyes got wide as I gently smiled and said, “You can do this. I’ll be here when you get done.” As she walked away with the appearance of confidence, I closed my eyes and saw before me the same girl, the same feelings, and the same conversation that happened years before as she took those steps towards her kindergarten classroom. I was just as proud of her brave steps then, as I was at the college.
My daughter has been a great teacher to me. I have learned that I am not here to guide her, I am here to keep the world from getting in the way of her leading and discovering herself. I am here to not ruin, stifle, hurt, demean or undermine who she is. I am here to be a guardian of her soul and her smile.
While this often involves an outward focus - as the world supplies many opportunities for her to explore who she is through not-so-positive people and events - the most challenging forces to overcome were within me. My daughter and I are not alike in many ways including our temperament and our sensitivity. My daughter is not me.
The guidance that she needed was not natural to me. It required work and deliberate thought on my part. She demanded responses from me, not reactions. She was an instant barometer to unbalances in compassion, love, and gentleness. I thank her greatly for holding up the mirror to me.
Sometimes my mothering role required me to take leaps, but most often it required me to slow down to her pace, to her desire to absorb, to take things in and to process. Her Montessori teacher nailed it long-ago, “There is time, and then there is her time… don’t confuse the two.” But somehow this girl who breathes in life at her own pace, is striding towards early admission college classes as a rising high-school junior. At some point, through years of mindful parenting, the slow-motion pace was released and she charged forward in beautiful confidence. And once again, it’s my job to get out of the way as I support, nurture, love, and spread wisdom to her as she journeys.
As I opened the car door to welcome her back from the exam, she looked at me beaming with light, exclaiming, “I did it!” And, in keeping with celebratory tradition, we went for ice cream. A job well done… for both of us.
———————
Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex is available on Amazon.com
|
|
|
A story was told about two children who are expected to share a cake. The parent, whose goal was to create equality suggested the following: tell the one child that he is responsible for cutting the cake to be shared in two and tell the other child that she gets to choose first her desired piece. The result? The child who cuts has an incentive to divide equally so that the other child doesn’t chose the bigger piece, leaving the first with less. In these two equally cut pieces, the result is an appearance of equality and fairness.
When I share a treat with a friend or my children, I often don’t choose to divide it equally. Often, I wish for the other person to have the last bite, the bigger piece, or the second helping. I love seeing my daughter lick the bottom of the icing bowl and it brings me joy to see a friend enjoying the last bit of chocolate. It makes me wonder if the child who only experiences fairness is experiencing this delight in other’s happiness.
There are also times when I really want that larger piece of cake. In those moments I’m filled with gratitude along with a chocolatey smile. Receiving in this way is good for the soul.
I want my child to feel joy in being the reason why another is smiling. I want my child to feel thankfulness in receiving another’s generosity. In both the giving and the receiving of the larger piece there is no equality, but there is love. This, I believe, is immeasurably fair.
The question becomes, how can we nurture the ways of compassion and methods of peaceful resolution in our children? Prior to settling world conflicts, creating peaceful divorces, or splitting tasks at school, we first need to learn how to share a piece of cake.
In imagining a cake covered in white icing, it is simple to see two equal slices being shared in peace. But in adding some decorations to the cake, “equal” becomes tricky. Is it equal for the one child to have the red flower instead of the yellow one? Is it conceivable for the choosing child to purposefully select the coveted decoration out of spite? Life, like a cake, is seldom equal.
Rather than making choices from a position of scarcity, this cake slicing business can be viewed through abundance. Scarcity comes from a position of “I don’t have” with the child feeling depleted from an unequal exchange. An awareness of abundance, goes beyond measured slices taking additional factors like joy, love, and delight into consideration. These limitless qualities can never be depleted.
This past week I was standing next to a celebratory sheet cake when a little boy came up and squealed because he recognized the first letter of his name was written within the cake’s message. Of course he immediately wanted that slice. Recognizing his joy, I was happy to fish out that center piece for him. He was delighted in his unique piece. I turned to my young daughter who was observing the removal of this special piece and I said, “Isn’t that so neat that he knew his name started with a B and then was able to find a B in the cake?!” My smile invited a similar response from her. In a small way, she observed the happiness that I could feel in giving someone else a treat.
Through many experiences she has seen her older sister get the “last bite” and has enjoyed a special bite while her sister and I watched. Rather than screaming “not fair!” or shaming her for taking the perceived better piece, we delight in each others’ special moment. While I’m not purposefully creating a strategy for world peace in these moments, it would be nice if our smiles led her down that path.
Imagine the cut and choose method being used in the court system of divorce: one spouse divides the property, the other chooses which half to take first. Yes, the task at hand would be solved, but it would be unlikely that either party would be smiling in the result. Countries have warred over the equality of land disputes. Interesting how quickly a simple cake cutting situation can lay the foundation for vast results.
The next time you ask your children to share a piece of cake, prior to guiding the knife, take a deep breath and welcome the opportunity to guide in delicious compassion.
————-
Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. www.TheProChildWay.com
|
|
|
Have you considered the Designated Holiday Schedule? Have you even heard of it? Unlike the Alternating Holiday Schedule where the child flip flops between parents every other year, the designated schedule allows your child to experience the once a year holiday the same way, year after year.
As a twice divorced mom I can hear the caring parent’s hesitations about considering this schedule (“No fair I don’t get my child at all on Thanksgiving!”), but this isn’t about what you want. This isn’t about getting “your fair share” of your child’s holiday time. This isn’t about your winning or losing out on holidays. This is only about making your child’s holidays the best they can be. And your child’s holidays are the best when they are filled with tradition, consistency, and love.
Designating holidays allows your child to repeat traditions every year. (And not comparing it to the other parent’s traditions, which is inevitable in the Alternating approach.) Foster that sense of tradition, continuity, and security by adopting the designated holiday schedule.
As your child is spending yet another Christmas [or said holiday] with his or her other parent, you can smile knowing that you allowed their beautiful tradition to continue and grow. Acknowledge through any of your sadness that you truly did nurture your child’s spirit in giving them that gift of tradition. But remember that part of that tradition includes you! Whether it’s a card or video message to be opened that morning, a mid-day call, or your child passing out party favors that you made together - the options are endless as to how your child can know your love when you’re apart.
Delving into the designated holiday schedule may be one of the toughest parts of your divorce negotiations but looking back 15 years later for my older and 4 years later for my younger child, I can tell you that they have both greatly benefited from the designated holiday schedule. … and I’ve learned to adapt - and even enjoy - the solo holidays.
It’s worth considering.
—-
Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Designated Holidays relates to “Divorce Situation #12: Setting the Holiday Schedule” from The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex. http://www.TheProChildWay.com Available on Amazon.com
|
|
|
My second grader is having a great week - after all, it’s Halloween! School parties, parades, trick-or-treat tomorrow night, and the first meeting of the Banana Split’s club. Banana Splits is a national program for elementary children. It provides a time for children of divorce to come together with a facilitator. When my older daughter attended, I usually didn’t get much of a report from her unless it was the day they made real banana splits. My older daughter really didn’t get the whole “club for children of divorce” thing. I remember the first day of the club, this daughter learned a new word: “d…d….divorce?” There were many things in my older daughter’s awareness; her parents divorce wasn’t one of them. And she thought a club for children of divorce was as random as a club for children who wore turtlenecks. But she attended and enjoyed the ice-cream.
That was one child, this blog is about the other: my younger daughter. My younger daughter is on a constant “club” quest. Mention “club” and she’s in! She was excited to tell me that, “Today we had our first Banana Splits Club meeting! I got to leave the classroom and go to the club room!” Her exuberance told me that she was A-OK with it. When I asked her to “tell me about it”, her exuberance switched to dramatics as she told me about each child’s home situation. Various tales of woe were told, sparkled with her enthusiastic re-telling. She found the whole thing fascinating, as if she was a spy let in on a secret mission. And she had a secret code word: “Divorce”! She liked saying it: “We talked about Divorce. You and dad are Divorced. Divorce is when your parents aren’t married anymore. You got Divorced.” I pulled out my super secret weapon: a smile.
She continued with her re-telling by combining intrigue and suspense. She’s been perfecting a newly discovered trick: the ability to raise one eyebrow. The one eyebrow thing kept happening to emphasize points. “His mom and dad, who are Divorced, fight a lot [raise eyebrow]!” “She hasn’t see her dad since [eyebrow] her last birthday! Now they are going to get Divorced.” I continued to smile, soaking up my daughter’s fairy like energy, waiting for her to clue me in on the “big conclusion” that I knew she kept saved for last.
She paused, and laid out her conclusion: “Strange isn’t it?”
Ahhhhh, I wrapped my daughter in a huge hug and loved her. “It should be strange,” I said, “but to many families of divorce, that’s the way it is.” [I’m missing the raised eyebrow gene.] “THAT is why I wrote a book.”
[from her: raised eyebrow]
“You know, the book I wrote that has a drawing of you on the front of it? That book is to help moms and dads be better parents when they are going through divorce.”
A pause, and then she spoke: “They need your book.” A true statement indeed.
Banana Splits will not meet again till the new year. On that day, she’ll still bounce down the hall “getting to go” to club but I wonder if she’ll be going more as a club member or as a “woman on a mission.” Knowing her, it could be either. I tell you this, my seven year old is here to charm the world into a happier place. Whatever her platform, she knows her dad and I will be there cheering her on.
————-
Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex is available on Amazon.com. http://www.TheProChildWay.com
|
|
|
Now that my daughter’s father is back from a three week working vacation, I’ll state with new conviction: Shared Parenting is Great for All!
Yes, my spending the last few weeks solid with my daughter gave us some “never-before” terrific moments - like a trip to the zoo, a Friday night on the town, a day climbing rocks and waterfalls, and all meals together - but now that it’s done: Whoo-Hoo! I’m certainly grateful for the intense time that we’ve been able to share together since October’s start, but her smile and wide eyes said it best: “Dad’s Home!”
My daughter loves her dad and for that I’m very grateful. My goal from her birth through to this moment has been focused on one thing: having her smile in love and security while in her dad’s and my arms. My ex and she have exciting adventures together and do stuff that is different then the stuff that we do. And that is great. So, I’m just as excited as she is that “Dad’s Back!”
Shared Parenting, where my daughter feels nurtured by both of her parents, works. Through concentrated effort, we do our best to keep focused on her and her best interest. I trust that the bumps that we’ve had have been smoothed out by continually trying to improve it. To me, shared parenting isn’t about schedules and procedures - although schedules guide our week; it’s about a shared interest in her smile.
When my older daughter and I took off for a month this past summer, my younger daughter’s dad and I decided together that it was better for her to stay behind with him during that excursion. We decided that her sitting in the backseat for 6000 miles (even with her sister and me and the sites of the West) wasn’t going to be nearly as much fun for her as going swimming everyday with him. So we worked together to get plans, playdates, schedules, toys, and clothes coordinated so that she would be well taken care of in my absence. I know she had a great time with dad.
And as her dad departed for his trip, he knew that she would have a great time with me.
The rewards of shared parenting? There are so very many rewards - including the time together and the time apart for both my ex and me with our daughter. But the best reward is reserved for her. I love that my daughter is secure enough to exclaim “I missed you!” to either of us, without fear that she is “hurting” the parent that stayed behind with her. Real security comes in being able to express “I missed you!” and knowing that you’re loved all around.
————-
Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex is available on Amazon.com. http://www.TheProChildWay.com
|
|
|
|
 |
|
The LOVEolution is a global love project dedicated to spreading love through a blend of social media,
technology and play. MORE 
|
