Why won’t you meet my needs? A client recalled this lament from his wife, which in essence was the accusation: “you have the ability to meet my needs, you’re not doing it, and furthermore you’re not doing it on purpose”. Upon further exploration it became clear that in spite of this man’s efforts to meet his wife’s needs he could not satisfy her demands. She had taken on the role of victim and projected blame onto him. He, in turn, felt helpless and stuck and projected blame back onto her for being impossible to please.

This situation illustrates a common struggle in marriage relationships. The real problem is a misguided assumption that one’s spouse is responsible for and capable of meeting our core needs and fulfilling us. That is not possible any more than any other external source can validate us, fulfill us, and make us whole. Wholeness is a journey that happens from the inside out and is both an emotional and spiritual process. We must own that responsibility for ourselves and open ourselves to love from within, from our spiritual source. Then we can effectively give and receive love in our external relationships.

This client came to see that once he got clear about the issue of responsibility there were several commitments he was able to make to his wife. These are commitments to support her in her journey towards finding wholeness at her own pace, to be engaged and present in the relationship, to create a loving space for her to learn, and to not blame his wife for what she needs. Paradoxically letting go of the expectation of meeting another’s needs allows us to be instrumental in helping our partner get those needs satisfied. This may not result in what you hope for from your partner but it is worth doing anyway because in the process of keeping these commitments you will be stretched and increase your capacity to be a loving human being.

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Deep Stuff, General, Love