The LOVEolution » When Love Doesn’t Give Back

Simply Serenity

Inspiration for inner peace and love by Lauralyn, a yoga and angel therapist.

When Love Doesn’t Give Back

May 18th, 2010

Many loving, caring people find themselves drawn to a person who needs love desperately but is so scared of love that they engage in a push/pull situation that wreaks havoc on the mind, and heart. One minute, the person shares how much they admire and want you (pulling you toward them), and the next they are pulling away, physically or emotionally (pushing you away). When you decide you’ve had enough and pull away, they come back with a hook that pulls you back in.

When something doesn’t feel good in a relationship, it may be a sign of toxicity. And if left ignored, that toxicity can eat away at you, weakening your vitality and distracting you from moving forward and getting what you really want. No mind games can be played when you know where the heart stands.

What I’ve seen in my own life and in my healing practice: a major reason for toxicity in a relationship is when people don’t communicate from the heart. This leads to not being honest with yourself, or the ability to be honest with someone else. It also opens the door for defenses like denial to shut out love. People communicate from ego defenses all of the time. When words don’t come from a compassionate heart, there will be mind games because that’s how the mind works. It’s like a circus in there. We play games with ourselves. The mind can create confusion and illusions. It pulls files from the past and throws them into the present, often unconsciously. When people say hurtful, insensitive things, it isn’t coming from their heart. It’s coming from a fearful mind that has experienced pain and now is scared to death to trust again. When people have difficulty committing, they have been hurt by someone who either promised to love them (a partner) or was expected to love them (a parent). They allowed themselves to believe, to trust, and to be vulnerable at some point. They gave love straight from the heart. And they paid a painful price for it, as their mind registered it. So the logical conclusion, according to the mind, is to be very wary, very skeptical, very distrusting and above all guard the heart to avoid that pain at all costs.

The irony is the more sensitive the person, the more love they have to give, but when a sensitive person gets badly hurt, they may withdraw and protect their heart to the extent that they will appear to have nothing to give. This is because the wall they constructed to block love from coming in and going out is depleting their reserves. If they do give, it may be robotic, not coming from the heart but from the mind that says, this is customary to receive the response I want from this person. Often, hurt people will manipulate in relationships, not even realizing they’re doing it. They often try to get what they want, love and acceptance, in a roundabout, complicated way.

If you’ve been hurt, use that experience to understand yourself. Figure out how to learn and grow and create the kind of relationship you want. If you don’t extract the wisdom from the situation, you may remain in a pattern of isolation, never feeling you truly connect to anyone. Or if you are so lucky to ever connect with someone you feel gets you, finding a reason to cut it off when it gets too uncomfortably intimate for you. If in a relationship with a hurt person, often their reasons to not get closer seem silly or random. They may also turn critical and lose interest once they discover you are human, and you have imperfections. They are so afraid that if their own flaws are discovered they will be painfully rejected or humiliated – unlovable.

If you have ever given love and felt it didn’t give back to you, don’t hold onto it. All you do by holding on to it is allow that person/situation to continue to cut you off from experiencing love. Don’t give anyone that power. Love is the greatest source of power there is, you can create miracles with your love. Know that giving love is never wasted. Giving love is a charitable act. If you expect to get something back in return every time you give love, then you are giving with conditions. No one feels good when given love like that.

I’m not recommending you go out and give love freely and then feel all burnt out and resentful because you’re not receiving anything in return. There must be a balance. So think of it this way: you will have relationships where there will be a beautiful exchange of love, and others where you have served as a healer, giving to someone in need of unconditional love. Feel good about giving, you get what love is all about. Discover the gift you’ve received from the situation. Everyone gives us an opportunity to learn and heal a part of ourselves, what gift have you received? How can you use it to better yourself, and be a better person to others? Love always gives back, just not always in the way we may want or expect. But it always gives us opportunity.

www.heavenhealingarts.com